losing it

2011-04-16T08:48:00.002-06:00

My boyfriend was watching Supersize vs. Superskinny the other day. I'm not sure how familiar people are with that program (it was the first time I'd ever watched it) but it compares two people and their current eating/dieting issues. This particular episode was looking at one woman who was consuming way too much meat in a day and another woman who often skipped breakfast, then ate meagre portions of rice and some curry for the other meals in the day. The latter would also spend much of her spare time asleep, always tired.

The point of the show was for the two women to meet, to try swapping one another's 'diets' and then to consult with the show's specialist for help in changing their habits.

We didn't watch the whole episode because I ended up bawling. And begging my boyfriend not to let that happen to me.

Firstly, while I don't honestly think it's likely, I do freak out that I'll just keep making bad habits and get more and more overweight. Currently, I'm not fantastic but I've been at the same relative weight for the last few years. Not losing, but not gaining. However, I know that since High School, I've been continually gaining.

But really not even that was what was frightening me the most. Instead I kept thinking of how, when I was very young, I felt even worse about myself. I was remembering when I was about 7 or 8, my mom grabbing my stomach fat, pinching it between her fingers and giving it a shake. Scowling at me while I cried and demanding to know if I wanted to be fat. Didn't I know what would happen to me if I kept getting fat? I might get diabetes (at the time, I had no idea what that was; she vaguely explained I couldn't ever have sugar). I might not have friends. I might die.

Sitting on the couch, my arms tight around my boyfriend's and my face nearly buried in his chest I just started to sob, remembering how painful, emotionally and physically, that grip on my stomach was.

The anguish was short; my boyfriend has shown me so much love lately, particularly in regards to my appearance, that he only needed to say a few words to calm me down. We've talked through my fears (and his as well) and are determined to keep ourselves from living unhealthily. Now that he is back in the same town, we eat meals together. We plan them out ahead of time to make sure they are healthy. We are eating smaller portions and making smaller amounts so that when we eat our share, there are no second helpings.

Obviously there are still other habits that need changing but this is a step in the right direction.

Not doing so awesome, but some people are!

2011-03-23T22:23:00.000-06:00

1. My diabetes counselor has me on new meds and a new diet. It should help me lose weight, being on less insulin. But with my diet being what it is (only broth doesn't hurt), my body is not really on a healthy path. Basically I am starving myself, though I don't feel like it, so I am not losing even though I eat very few calories. The thing is, SOMEHOW I have to find something I can eat that is 1. healthy 2. does not cause me a lot of pain. My diabetes is out of control, and I haven't lost weight in over a year. And this Gastroparesis is just killing me. I am on a ton of supplements to make up for my crappy diet. But it is NOT a good substitute for eating good, normal food.

2. If any of you watch The Biggest Loser, watch next week! My cousin LeAnn and her awesome Vance are going to be "the white team." They look so good right now! We talked to them a little bit about it at the last family party. CONGRATULATIONS to them!

Go White Team! (Sorry I don't watch the show, I WILL next week!)

music tuesday

2011-03-08T22:55:00.000-07:00

I have 240 songs in my "Workout" playlist, so I'm going to share! Some are slower, most are not. Beginning with the most recently added to my list (which are mostly on the radio right now).

Here is THIS week's 25 songs (I think my fave of the week may be Misinformed):

Waiting for the End by Linkin Park
Animal by Neon Trees
Sell Out by Reel Big Fish
Uprising by Muse
Pumped Up Kicks by Foster the People
Misinformed by Soul Coughing
Forget You by Cee Lo Green
Run Run Run by Phoenix
Sick of You by Cake
Rhinestone Eyes by the Gorillaz
Jumpin' Jumpin' by Destiny's Child
When Did Your Heart Go Missing? by Rooney
Doin' Time by Sublime
Remember the Name by Fort Minor
If I Ever Feel Better by Phoenix
Firework by Katy Perry
Tighten Up by The Black Keys
Happy Everywhere by The Pinker Tones
Ride Like the Wind (Klass Remix) by Michael Mind
Bulletproof (Dave Aude Cherry Radio Remix) by La Roux
Things Go Better (Intrumental) by RJD2
Lsztomania (AlexMetric Remix) by Phenix
Little Miss Can't Be Wrong by the Spin Doctors
As We Enter by Nas & Damian "Jr. Gong" Marley
Billie Jean 2008 (Thriller 25th Aniversary Remix) by Michael Jackson (feat. Kanye West)

Bonus: Lay Me Down by the Dirty Heads, but that's a given.

I sure do love updating my ticker

2011-02-10T23:06:00.001-07:00

Mostly only if the number is going down, though. :)

Check it, yo! Janessa's and my trainer is expanding into Highland! Now he'll have sessions there and in Provo! He also offers a 2 week FREE trial to come check out his services. We're all trying to get him more business so he can keep growing! John takes the time to help you figure out what is going to work best for you. He's motivating and funny and kind. He's like Bob Harper without the dark side!

Anyway, there is incentive for us to get new recruits, too! If you are in the Utah Valley/Salt Lake area, then head on over to www.doperformanceandfitness.com RIGHT NOW and register for your free 2 week trial! He has programs to fit almost any budget, I PROMISE! Let him know that Steph and Janessa sent you!

Progress

2011-02-07T18:13:00.002-07:00

I went to my dietitian last Thursday. I have happy news! My weight is trending down. Hip Hip Hurray! It makes me so very happy. I have to say Intuitive Eating is a fabulous book, and it has truly helped me since I have always struggled with dieting and what I "should" or "shouldn't" eat. I highly recommend it. Looks like I'm on the right track with a nutritionist and a personal trainer.

I didn't gain ALL the weight back.

2011-01-04T19:52:00.002-07:00

SHOCKER!

I was really surprised when I weighed myself yesterday morning and found that I was at 290. While Todd was gone, I had been down to 286, so 290 isn't bad!

I'm back on Spark People again. I was using Daily Burn, but they don't have an app for android yet, and if I don't track my food immediately, I forget and then fudge it later. Just being honest.

I haven't gone back to the gym yet because we're still working therapy schedules out for the little dude. I took the boys to the park this morning and will hopefully being doing more walking.

Starting Over

2010-11-17T23:03:00.000-07:00

Welcome Nicole!

Steph and Cupcake have inspired me to start over. I started eating smaller meals and cutting back on my soda intake. I met with my new trainer tonight. I even got a new ticker down there.

Some of you may remember, last year, the husband and I decided I should get healthy before we got pregnant again. So we got a gym membership and he paid for 24 sessions of personal training for me.

Three weeks later, we found out baby girl was on the way! She's 5 months old now. A wonderful surprise, but wow, now I need to get some of those sessions used up! They expire on Feb. 1, 2011. Crazy!

My prepregnancy weight was about 252, so at 255 today, I'm not too far off. However, I am at least a size bigger, all in my belly. I've lost so much muscle it's not even funny. And I found out my body has 115 pounds of FAT on it. Awesome.

So here is to working out and getting healthy, and making better choices all around!

Healthy Habits

2010-11-13T16:44:00.002-07:00

First of all I wanna say Welcome Nicole! I look forward to reading your posts.

Ok here is the dealio. I known this for a while, but I have an eating disorder. . .bad enough that I am now seeing a Counselor and a Dietitian or Nutritionist or whatever title you want to use. It really started before I left my other job. It really sickens me since I always thought "I'd never do that," after watching countless movies about anorexia and bulimia in high school gym classes and also seeing a friend starve herself in college.

While I don't have anorexia or bulimia I have found that there are countless ways to binge and purge. My problem really stems from over eating and emotional eating. Yes, an eating disorder of eating to much food, they don't teach about that in school. My form of purging was not eating, basically fasting for one or more meals sometimes a day at a time. I have met "Ed" (eating disorder) and am trying to separate myself from him. He really moved into my one bedroom apartment and even moved with me to my new job (living in a studio apartment with Ed was hard).

Enter my counselor and nutritionist. My counselor had me read a book called Life without Ed, which was very informative and my Nutritionist has me reading Intuitive Eating. Now as Steph has mentioned I have added a personal trainer (temporarily) to help me with healthy habits.

For the time being I will not be stepping on a scale, or measuring myself, as I have been asked not to. I will be trying to form healthy habits and feel good, not only physically but also mentally. It has been difficult, but I know that I am on a better path and that I do have support.

One thing I have learned is that right now restricting calories or exercising for extreme amounts of time is not going to help me. Did you know that if a 150 pound male spent the whole day in bed resting he would still require 1755 calories for his body to function properly? Also Every single cell in your body requires energy (calories) and that is what your metabolism is, the energy your body requires to function.

late welcome, but good intentions

2010-11-04T09:23:00.000-06:00

I'm slow in welcoming our new contributor, Nicole. Nicole is awesome. I know this because I follow her on the Twitters. She's in the South UC and has decided to join us on our bloggy quest for weight loss. Woo!

In other news, Cupcake and I have signed up for a personal trainer for 3 months. We got an INSANE deal ($99 for all 3 months) and we're excited to get started soon! Also, I got a new job. Changes abound! What changes are YOU making??

the powers that be...

2010-10-25T21:17:00.004-06:00

...have now decided that i should finally have my stationary bike. it's great. and it will fit nicely in the corner of my room when i get rid of some furnityre.

FINALLY!

Weight Loss Revenge

2010-10-23T04:58:00.002-06:00

Because I've had to walk everywhere these days, I've lost weight. I don't know how much but I know it's gone. Asked the bf, he's noticed. Didn't just come right out and say it, which would have been nice, but did notice. Anyway, I took some measurements and have noticed that in two months I have lost three inches around my waist, one in the bust and one in the hips. Not too shabby.

At the same time though, I've developed another little problem. I asked my sister (Athletic Trainer) what she thought it might be and she said it sounded to her like a little sciatica issue. Basically, the minute I lay down for bed, my left hip starts to tingle and goes numb. I actually woke up one night in a panic because I couldn't feel my leg. So with all my walking around, I've created some spinal nerve problems. Oh fun.

Anyway, it's not serious enough that I can't help it. I'm doing stretches (when I remember, ha) and sleeping with something between my legs to keep my spine aligned properly and that seems to help. No more front sleeping though, which is kind of hard. I am definitely a stomach sleeper so that's been an adjustment.

But hey, losing weight. And all it took was not having a car!

visiting my therapist

2010-10-21T08:53:00.000-06:00

I've discovered that when I work out AT LEAST 20 minutes... vigorously... I am a lot less emotional. When I go 3+ days without working out, I start to acting like I'm permanently PMSing. This week I found out I'm losing my job. I'm also moving on Saturday and have no help yet. I've worked out every night this week. I've MADE it a priority. Even if I feel like I'm going to need to eat a bunch of ice cream later to deal.

But then when it comes down to it, I feel pretty good about my life and I don't really want the ice cream.

I challenge all of you – all of us – to work up a good sweat for at least 20 minutes at least 5 times a week. Heck, even 4. Just do it! I promise you'll start to feel better emotionally. That may be a bigger pay off than weightloss or fitting into skinny jeans.

double eff.

2010-10-18T10:11:00.002-06:00

okay. first bike, sent back.

second bike...missing hardware.

i'm about to flip it off and call it a day. whadyasay?? :)

*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

okay, i've regrouped and come up with a new plan. called the company, they're sending out a whole new hardware package. seeing as more than half of it was missing, a whole new one oughtta do it right?

and now...i have to wait 5-10 more business days.

eff!

2010-10-08T21:20:00.002-06:00

so the bike is here and it's put together. well, i'm a lame and didn't read it carefully until after i put it together. the instructions say not to use it if you weigh over 250 pounds. *sigh* i'm so disappointed. although, as funny as this sounds, i can use it backwards from my chair. i guess until i weigh that? it's pretty sturdy and i really really don't want to pack it up and send it back.

dammit.

against my better judgement...

2010-10-03T01:00:00.002-06:00

i have purchased a stationary exercise bike with a desk for my laptop. all these crazy walking desks for work and stuff, i figured, "why not do that here?" plus, i can crochet on it.

i could have used the dollars for something else, but i'm getting desperate and the LAST thing i wanted to do was join a gym.

behold...

those d**n 2 pounds....

2010-09-29T08:21:00.000-06:00

I'm part of a monthly shred challenge... I'm not really doing a shred-style diet and workout, but I like having someone to report to. This month I've been really sick.

Let me back up. I've been sick for 2 months probably. And I FINALLY went to the doctor last week because I couldn't pretend it wasn't a problem anymore. Now I'm on Claritin-D, Augmentin and Benedryl. Decongestants like sudafedrine make me retain/gain weight and they up my blood pressure/heart rate. It sucks.

And after breaking that 284 barrier, I've been gaining and losing and gaining and losing the same freaking 2 pounds! I couldn't work out at all last week, so I was excited to finally get back in the gym. Usually when I go to the gym, the next day my weight goes down.

It didn't this week. I worked out Monday and it went up 2 pounds!! I worked out HARD yesterday (nearly 1k burned and 30k lifted PLUS light cardio) and I lost a freaking pound! And I'm trying to be careful about what I eat. Geeze.

Although I DID finally track my calories through a whole weekend. I ate about 2100 cals each day for two days. NO BUENO. This may explain the yo-yo-ing on some level... if I have a high cal day, it needs to be once a week or even once a month.

Still... this is the last week for the shred and my goal of being down to 280 has 2 days to magically happen...

argh.

hola chicas

2010-09-21T08:42:00.002-06:00

i must say, that i am delighted every time i see that we have another follower. it brings me glee. even as a rare contributor, i feel happy to be a part of it.

i feel my success has been limited lately. that said, one little triumph has been becoming involved with 'bountiful baskets' which i'm sure you're all aware of. if you're not, check it out here.

my cute mom picks me up saturday morning and we go and pick it up. it has been awesome and easy. easy, being the operative word. everyone knows i don't like to do hard things. i have found myself eating the vegetables for a few reasons: 1-i don't want to piss my mom off. she pays for it and splits it with me, and 2-it's good. i literally forgot how good fresh vegetables can be. silly me. being strapped for cash, the dollar menu has now become my nemesis.

that is all, carry on!

Barrier Broken! And a possible goal.... join me?

2010-09-10T08:45:00.000-06:00

For a long time, my barrier weight was 289. I could NOT get below that. I would hit it and bounce back up. After I went to Disneyland at the end of May I shattered it, going up to 292 (right when I got home) and then dropping it all in 2 days... all the way down to 284. Since then, my barrier has been 286.

Until this week. I got down to 284 again, working hard. I have to maintain that for a few days for it to be official, I think, but FINALLY! It gets frustrating not to be able to get below a certain number! And my working out is pretty much directly related to whether I gain or lose. If I don't work out, I gain. When I do, I lose! Easy peasy!

On to a possible goal... I've sort of been thinking about registering in January for next year's Disneyland Half-Marathon... I might postpone it and go for the Princess (women only!) Half Marathon.... I can't even run a mile right now... I get way too winded. I can barely do the first week of training for the couch to 5k! But maybe a year is enough time to prepare for 13 miles!

Would you do something like that? Maybe you should join me!

my little secret

2010-09-07T22:09:00.001-06:00

when I'm working out on a regular basis, I start to do this thing where I pinch myself....

I pinch my thighs by my hips when I'm driving.
I pinch my arms while I'm driving too.
I pinch my sides when I'm standing and talking to people. Or when I'm sitting.

Because pretty much, I can measure, but my measurements never seem to change. And my weight goes up and down. But I can feel the change... my fat is more flubbery when I'm working out... there is less to pinch.

Pinching makes me happy. lol

what happened to my gym buddies??

2010-09-01T13:30:00.001-06:00

They all pooped out on me... all that's left is Lomi.... The other two do something else now. I only miss Kadee... I haven't been in 2.5 weeks. I'm going tonight. It's going to be HAARRRRRD. But I'm joining a month shred so maybe that will motivate me!!!

I did a 5K today.

2010-08-21T11:52:00.001-06:00

I walked.

It took me an hour and two minutes to finish.

But I finished.

And I wasn't last.

and Bob's your trainer!

2010-08-16T16:19:00.001-06:00

Do you recognize this beautiful, beautiful man?

Did you know that his training website is free? (compared to his partner in crime on BL)

I haven't signed up, but I've been following him on twitter and doing some of the challenges. (LOVE!! snatches!)

So check it out today at www.mytrainerbob.com

It's NOW Or Never!

2010-07-28T23:03:00.005-06:00

Hey Peeps. It's been a while. I haven't been on here for probably a couple years. A lot has been going on since I've posted. Mental, physical and emotional health has been a huge issue.
Been working on my mental and emotional health and right now I'm feeling like if I don't get a handle on my physical health. I never will. My body has been so out of whack since the PTSD break down 2 years ago I didn't know where to start. So I walk. If nothing else, I have two good feet, strong legs and can walk. At least 3 days a week no less than 1 mile.
I also recognized my body doesn't like carbs to much. When I eat them they sit in my stomach for hours and when I go to sleep at night, I wake up choking because it comes up. I also noticed heartburn when I eat carbs: pasta, potatoes, rice, breads. IT's not celiac (sp) or allergies. Carbs in Veggie's and fruits, I have no problem with.
This carb realization is a new discovery in the last 2 weeks. I think knowing your body, how it works, what it tolerates and what it doesn't is key to healthy weight maintenance.
When I was working as an herb specialist there was something called evil white foods:
white sugar
white bread
potatoes
white rice
white flour
white pasta.
(including cookies, cakes, ice cream etc which are usually made with white sugar and flour)
I recognize when I stay away from these or eat very little of them: No heartburn, no heavy sick feeling. No waking up in the middle of the night choking on vomit.
I got so sick 2 weeks ago I honestly thought I was going to die. I woke up at 2AM and couldn't take a breath due to aspiration (breathing in food, liquid of vomit) while I was sleeping. After about 15 second I was finally able to take breath and bring it out of my lungs and throat. I thought I was going to die. I decided time to make some changes. It's now or never.
Do y'all ever feel that way?

please don't change the site layout....

2010-07-27T21:26:00.000-06:00

sorry to be a stick in the mud... I gave everyone admin rights so they could change their little weight loss sliders and the such, but I'd really like it if the rest of the site was left alone. I'm trying to get things together to completely re-skin it.... thanks!

–Steph

slacking

2010-07-25T17:33:00.004-06:00

I've been seriously slacking in the food department. Not eating at regular times and not making good choices. Ugh. I also slacked on my gym time for a couple days last week. I didn't go on Friday or Monday, which are days that I do weights. That's not helping me.

I guess the good news is that I haven't gained any weight. I'm holding steady at 290 right now. I wore a dress today that I hadn't worn for a very long time. I think the last time I wore it was two years ago when I lost a some weight after visiting the dietitian. I wore it once, then I gained all the weight back. Before then, I bought it when Todd left for boot camp. I had my gall bladder taken out a few month earlier and was down under my pre-pregnancy weight. Unfortunately, I only got to wear it a few times even then because I was pregnant with Garrett and didn't know it yet. I don't even know what size it is because the tag has gone missing. But umm... I love Spanx. And I need to wear a better bra.

That is all.

daily burn snapshot

2010-07-22T12:53:00.001-06:00

The blue line is the calories I burn... this is my graph for the past month. Yesterday I burned over 800 calories. On my cardio days, I burn about 200-400. Obviously weights are the heavy hitters. :)

Other than that... TRYING to only eat 45 g of carbs per meal or less.. and about 15 or less for snacks...
Oh yeah, and stay in my 1600-1900 cal/day range.

The green is my weight. It's at 287. It DID get down to 282 the week after I got back from Disneyland, but I lack focus to keep it going down. It's my own fault. I choose to eat things that are bad for me or skip my workouts. I own that.

I'm doing PRETTY good. But I could do better. Then the weight would actually come off.

I DO have a friend who has lost 65 pounds (maybe more now) since November! She is amazing! She decided she was going to take control of her life. I'm really proud of her.

Oh Happy Day!

2010-07-20T12:22:00.002-06:00

I got to the gym yesterday and used the elliptical for 20 minutes. I felt amazing afterward! I also talked with my trainer for a few minutes, and the training does transfer to our new gym in our new town, so that is happy, though I heart my trainer and don't want to change but trying to stay with her would add an hour of commute! no thanks.

So, my goal is to get to the gym 3 times this week and the next two weeks, then get started with a trainer down there after we're settled in more. I won't "diet" per se, because whenever I cut calories there isn't enough milk for the baby, but I will be more mindful of what calories I am consuming -- I don't need to eat a quart of ice cream a week.

I need some motivation.

2010-07-18T13:17:00.003-06:00

April 2004

I wasn't skinny, by any means, when I was living in Utah. But that is thin for me. That's the least that I've weighed since I left high school. I didn't have a scale, so I don't know how much I weighed but I was wearing size 18/20 clothes.

May 2010

(My sister's camera is wrong.)

I saw this picture and was so disgusted with myself. My arm looks like a ham.

BINGEFEST.

2010-07-10T08:09:00.002-06:00

No bueno.

I don't think that staying off the scale this week helped me. I think it made me lose focus.

My bingefest started on Thursday afternoon. I went to the movies and shared some popcorn with a friend, ate a whole box of Junior Mints, then came home and ate more than half of a frozen pizza. I was so busy yesterday that I didn't make it to the gym. I tried to make good choices, even went out to lunch and got soup and salad at Chili's. But I ate way too many chips. Then I came home and was bored while the boys napped, so I started grazing.

I feel like crap this morning.

I'm going crazy.

2010-07-07T20:03:00.002-06:00

Literally... crazy town over here.

I cheated on Tuesday morning and weighed myself when I woke up. Five pound... GONE! I haven't weighed myself since. I told my sister yesterday that I would probably have to hide my scale so it's not such a temptation. It drove me crazy to stand next to it when I was getting ready this morning. I wanted SO badly to step on and just check.

I forgot to eat dinner tonight. Who does that? Okay, let me rephrase that. I don't do that. I don't think I've ever just forgotten to eat. I'm usually looking at the clock going "Okay, 6:30 is an acceptable time to stuff my face again because it's 'dinnertime'." Not today. I fed my kids and didn't feed myself. It wasn't until after I put the kids to bed and was entering my food into DB that I realized that I was WAY low on calories and hadn't eaten anything since 3.

And here's the kicker... Maybe TMI, but I'm all about sharing. lol

My husband asked if I would have boudoir photos done before his next deployment. I made him a deal. If I get under 225 pounds, I'll do them. At least he'll be motivated to keep me motivated.

I'm insane.

It's ON!

2010-07-05T11:15:00.003-06:00

I've been so distracted since my hubby left that my weight loss journey has been on again, off again.

It's ON!

I recommitted myself two weeks ago and have been kicking my own butt. The owners at my gym wrote up a new weight circuit for me since the old one was from February (and obviously not working anymore). The first few days, I thought for sure they were trying to kill me. I honestly could not walk normally for almost 5 days. I've only missed one cardio day and I made it up on the next one. I'm down 4 lbs and feeling great.

This morning, I met up with one of the owners while I was working out. He asked me how it was going and I told him all about it. He said that I should stay away from the scale for a little while, because I'll only get frustrated. He also might want to change up my routine already, just to keep my body guessing. We'll see!

I've completely changed the way that I eat. I'm only allowing myself to eat fast food once a week, but have changed the way that I order. I only drink soda once a week and I've switched to diet.

I'm using dailyburn to track everything now. But I feel like my calorie allowance is too high. It has me eating around 2300 a day, where my dietitian a few months ago had me at 1800.

I have about 6 weeks until my hubby comes home, so I've got to get my booty in gear.

steph's breakfast sammy (recipe)

2010-06-24T13:56:00.001-06:00

(Image from Food Network)

I use to make "egg muffins" for breakfast... I'd batch cook eggs, ham, green onions, spinach, and a little cheese in muffin tins and then package them up in 2s so I could heat them up fast and eat them before I ran out the door.

They made me a little sick, and then hungry an hour later. I think it was the massive amounts of protein and tiny bit of spinach that did it to me. So now I make breakfast sammies. I thought I'd share this recipe because each sandwich is ONLY 209 calories! And like the one above, you could add tomatoes or onions or anything you wanted to! I still eat a snack 3 hours later, but not because I'm starving... but because I need to and I'm only a little hungry.

What to do:

TOAST 1 EarthGrains 100 calorie Thin Bun (I don't like the Orowheat ones... and Thomas make thin bagels for 100 cals if you prefer!)
COOK 2 Egg whites (with salt & pepper if you prefer. or any seasonings. or green onions! Did you know all the protein is in the whites? And they're only about 17 cals each!)
COOK 2 strips Jenni-O Extra Lean Turkey Bacon (make sure you get Extra Lean. only 20 cals per slice! I cook mine as crispy as possible)
SPREAD Laughing Cow LIGHT Original Spreadable Swiss Cheese on your toasted bun (You can get the different flavors if you want, but I like the regular kind. If you have an intolerance, the sammy is still good without this)
ASSEMBLE your sammy! (I fold my bacon in half and my eggs on top of that. You can add tomato or spinach or WHATEVER veggie you want!)
ENJOY! (Sometimes I have a little fruit or fruit w/ cottage cheese on the side... IF I plan ahead.)

Take THAT, crappy Subway breakfast sandwich!

(P.S. Trackers are back! You should be able to edit yours!)

a note on obsessions

2010-06-17T23:03:00.002-06:00

I have two confessions.

First, a confession which should come as no surprise: I'm obsessed with food. Let me correct that. I'm obsessed with eating food. It's why I'm in the mess I'm in. And while I could blame my parents – or my mother, or my upbringing, or my genetics – for it, the honest fact is that I have got to fix it myself.

I am slowly discovering a new obsession – for good or bad – I think it's mostly for good.

I'm obsessed with tracking what I eat, when I exercise, how much I weigh and how much I am shrinking. You see, I've discovered that it's a good motivator for me. I've found that I absolutely must stay obsessed on some level or else my discipline starts to slip (like tonight when I ate one of the peanut butter bars meant for work tomorrow), I fall. I feel awful about myself. I run the risk of truly "losing it."

And so I track everything I eat. For the most part I am doing awesome, but there are days where my calories go above 1600 and beyond the 1800 cap. Some days I've worked out, so I justify it. But other days I just plain binge. It's something I have still got to keep under control. But I've found that the days I DON'T record what I eat... the weekends where I go 3 days straight without – I gain weight like crazy.

Keeping this always on my mind helps me to make good food choices. It helps make the salads and the breakfast sandwiches and the 2 hours in the gym [almost] every night more bearable. The exhaustion and the sore muscles make me happier when I see the number on the scale or the tape measure reading is another quarter-inch smaller.

I am raising awareness in myself and in others. Yes, that fast food is REALLY that bad for you. And yes, we are going to feel like crap if we eat that entire pizza, drink that 2-gallon mug of soda or sit on the couch or in front of the computer all night. And I am going to talk about it. Don't ask me to stop. Don't say "uh huh" as your eyes glaze over. Chances are you need to hear it as much as I do. We all need to try harder and dismissing my interests make it that much harder to stay interested.

I remember when I use to get annoyed when roommates or others would bring up calories or exercise or losing weight. But I know now that it is only because I knew what I needed to be doing, but I wasn't doing it. It was easier to scoff than try.

I use dailyburn.com and I rely on my coworkers and the Boy and a few others to keep me motivated. I workout with two of my coworkers and I like hearing when they say I am looking smaller... or that someone else mentioned it to them. It helps for the times when the tape measure isn't moving. The Boy lets me freak out over my weight gain or lack of loss (usually every 28 days or so) and then matter-of-factly encourages me to continue. When I freak that a pound a week isn't good enough, he reminds me that it IS healthy and the right way because it will stay off.

As long as I can avoid those peanut butter bars and stop obsessing over the pointless things. :)

Love,

Steph

Life Reform

2010-06-16T18:20:00.002-06:00

In the last 6 months (probably more) every healthy thing went out the door as I was stressed about my old job, and finding a new one and really just trying to survive without upping medication. I'm finally through that rough patch and am in the process of putting all of the healthy pieces back along with more healthy habits. Last week I bought some new exercise shoes. I love them. Tonight I went to a local gym and started a week long trial. My theory is that if I pay money I just MIGHT exercise. I can't wait until tomorrow. . .even though I am really nervous and apprehensive about it. I didn't see one woman in the building when I went in to sign up. I will eventually also begin to track what I'm eating on daily burn.

Sparking or Burning or just Pout Out Entirely?

2010-04-27T09:23:00.000-06:00

So I am HATING what I have to eat (or rather, NOT eat) with Gastroparesis but I am eating/drinking it.

And I hurt when I work out, but I go the majority of the week.

So why am I not BLOGGING it? I AM losing a little weight, even if it is on a diet I can not and should not recommend to anyone. And support is a lovely thing!

Speaking of support, who all is on DailyBurn? Who is on The Spark? Who is on something else? Which is better and why? Because I am trying to decide. I can see benefits to each.

Back on the wagon

2010-04-22T13:49:00.002-06:00

Ugh. I'm so on-again, off-again with this weight loss thing. I'm starting to piss myself off.

I've been going to the gym every week since I signed up, but I haven't been doing the program that they set up for me. Because I didn't feel like it. My back and shoulder were hurting so bad, I could barely walk ONE mile on the treadmill. And weight training? Forget it. Wasn't gonna happen.

I've been going to the chiropractor for two weeks now and just as I suspected... I'm totally messed up. No kidding. I'm going three time a week for adjustments, but now that I'm not in constant pain, I'm finally pushing myself at the gym.

On Tuesday morning, I did my warm up on the treadmill, then my weights. I'm supposed to get back on the treadmill for another mile and a half, but only did another half mile.

Lazy.

Wednesday, I did one mile on the treadmill and then sat in the car and read a book until Garrett was out of therapy.

See, I told you. Lazy.

Today, NO MORE LAZY. I did my ten minute warm up on the treadmill, went through my weight training circuit and then got back on the treadmill until it was time to leave. Even after picking up Garrett, I still felt like I needed to do more. I drove up to the other gym location by our house and did another mile on the treadmill.

I'm also trying to track my calories again.

I am at 298 pounds. I cannot afford to be lazy.

tickered off

2010-03-20T16:18:00.000-06:00

So, not that I have posted here in forever because I have so little CONTROL over what I choose to eat, can it really be called a diet? but I wish we still had tickers because even though I don't really EAT anything anymore, I usually have no weight loss to report and this time I do! I lost 5 pounds this week!

Feeling Good

2010-03-07T21:33:00.002-07:00

Today I wore a red blouse that I haven't worn in a very long time. It was super sweet. I need to kick it into high gear cause I really want and need to lose more weight since I have a high school reunion in September and I want to be thinner than I was in high school (which shouldn't be very difficult). I have also discovered that one of the reasons I haven't felt like me is that I am not the same me I was when I weighed 220 (right after my mission). I actually cared if I did my hair for work and looked nice. I have begun to love me again, ALL of me. Part of loving me is taking pride in how I look, and that is also important for weight loss because I have discovered that the more I love me and feel good, the more I move and do things and am motivated. For some reason I have just BARELY realized this. Am I just late in discovering it or are there people out there who haven't realized this yet? I think I'm getting my groove (yeah really, my groove) back, not only for weight loss but for life.

Working on my fitness

2010-03-01T06:58:00.002-07:00

I joined a gym last week. I haven't been to the gym since Garrett got kicked out of the child care at Gold's back in July. I'm paying a whole lot more than I'd like to, but so far I really like this place. Their ExRx program is included in your membership. They give you an exercise program. I met with the owner of the South location last Thursday. He asked me if I had any problems and I told him that my shoulder is completely messed up. So he made sure to include some shoulder exercises in my routine. Anyway. I have a card with about an hour's worth of strength training on it. In a 6-8 weeks, I'll make another appointment and they'll switch it up for me.

I also started a food journal last Tuesday. I had been trying to keep track of everything on spark people, but I would forget. I'm trying really hard to lose some weight by the time my hubby gets back.

2010-02-03T23:16:00.003-07:00

just wanted to see how you all were doin'...

where did it come from though?!?

2010-02-03T08:52:00.000-07:00

I've lost six pounds.

Since Monday morning when I weighed myself.

I also started South Beach on Monday.

Hard core, too.

I don't know where it came off. But my back is less fatty, my tummy is a LITTLE flatter and my giraffe print ballet flats fit better.

My ankles don't swell now.

My knee BARELY hurts.

Be impressed.

We'll see if it keeps going like this... it encourages me to KEEP doing it though.

If I can get to 30 pounds, then I'll feel ok about adding the hardcore treadmill hill climb I use to do.

Yeah. Oh, AND my motorcycle jacket fits AWESOMELY now.

Note: It's totally makes a difference to have your meals 75% ready to go!

Biggest Loser

2010-01-30T13:12:00.002-07:00

I picked up both of these for $10 each at Target.

I started the 30 day jump start. I'm liking it already. Here is hoping it helps!

2010-01-25T17:54:00.001-07:00

Another six pounds down and only 13 to go for my driver's license to stop lying.

bleh!!

2010-01-22T07:56:00.000-07:00

Here is my whiny post. I'm eating normal amounts for the most part (and loser calories) and working out most days and not losing weight or shrinking. WTF.

Gah! That makes me want to give up and go eat a cheeseburger.

Really I want to just eat berries and granola lately... hmm... the berry and granola diet.

If you really wanted to know.

2009-12-23T08:14:00.002-07:00

My chest is getting smaller or at least it appears smaller (I was at my parents last night and had to look twice but I know that my whole body is feeling smaller) and I am down to 245. Go smart ones!

Cravings

2009-12-10T15:20:00.002-07:00

Just wondering what you do when you have a craving for food that is BAD for you? I am totally craving little Caesars pizza. . . Right now. . .Right Now. . .RIGHT NOW. I am resisting but I can only do so much when my body says I WANT SOME! I know it is bad for me and will make me miserable (literally) and yet my brain is stuck on it. STUCK bad. I feel like for every healthy step forward there is an unhealthy step back. I don't wanna screw up my habits.

Do you give in?
DO you make a healthy version?
Do you have a healthy version of Little Caesars pizza?

While we are on the subject, anyone have a really good recipe for whole grain/wheat bread for bread makers?

Smart

2009-12-05T13:49:00.003-07:00

I decided to try a less expensive version of nutrisystem which equates to smart ones. This has been especially important cause I need to eat 3 meals a day. I was getting lazy and not eating. I also think it is a matter of control. Food is something I could control. I use to chop my hair off when I felt like controlling things. . .but I don't have much hair to chop off since I want to grow it out a little longer. Sorry for the digression. I am seeing a counselor and have managed to eat 3 meals a day.

Something for breakfast and smart ones for lunch and dinner. It is actually working for weight loss. $2 a meal for lunch and dinner is also very much cheaper than eating out.

steph's top 25... also, check out that ticker down there

2009-11-09T20:07:00.002-07:00

That's right! Check it out, um, girls!

So here are my top 25 girl-power work out songs - at least right now. I thought I'd share, because I'm awesome like that. You're welcome. ;)

Note.... these are pretty intense? Beat dropping? What what? I use them for walking/running/biking (if I biked...) - all that stuff. I can't listen to music while I lift. I have to concentrate.

When I Grow Up - Pussycat Dolls (shut up, it's my #1)
Shake It - Metro Station
The Distance - Cake (mm... cake...)
Feel Good Inc. (Stanton Warriors Remix) - Gorillaz
Gold Digger - Kanye West (ok, so I listen to the GLEE version....)
Rie y Llora - Celia Cruz
We Trying to Stay Alive - Wyclef Jean
Making Me Nervous - Brad Sucks
Ain't No Good - Cake
Stop the Rock (Apollo 440 Original Mix) - Apollo Four Forty
Cold Rock the Mic (Instrumental Version) - Apollo Four Forty
I Kissed a Girl - Katy Perry (Like I said, shut up!)
Hot N Cold - Katy Perry
Hey, Soul Sister - Train
Bohemian Like You - Dandy Warhols
Espacio Sideral - Jesse y Joy
Fidelity - Regina Spektor
Sophisticated - Stereo MC's
Makes Me Wonder (Radio Edit) - Maroon 5 (Incidentally on Serena Williams' workout mix on iTunes)
Snow (Hey Oh) - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Get Down on It - Kool & the Gang
Honey - Moby
All Alone - Gorillaz
Tired of Being Sorry - Ringside
Karate - Kennedy

BONUS! Cool down songs (for various degrees of cooling down. lol):

Go it Alone - Beck
Break Down - Handsome Boy Modeling School (feat. Jack Johnson)
Fresh Feeling - Eels
Love is Free - Sheryl Crowe
Right as Rain - Adele

nutrisystem, working out and jeans....

2009-11-02T12:47:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, I'm a bit worried about going off NutriSystem.... now that I'm starting to see some results, I'm worried about going out on my own. But Molly and I are going to do South Beach... which I'm SURE is healthier (and cheaper!)... and I want to do it.

I just want the EASE of Nutrisystem!

Anyway, I've been working out. I signed up for the gym at my work. Its' $8/month. I could pay $10/month and go to Gold's, but working out as soon as I get off work is actually a good motivator for me. I like it.

Though I had to skip last Friday. I had REALLY bad neck pain and I was only at work for 3 hours.

And I have the whole gym almost completely to myself. I get off at 4:30 and almost anyone else gets off at 5.... so I usually get 30 minutes alone if anyone is going to come work out. That's about 15 minutes of arms and then 30 minutes on the treadmill walking/climbing hills.

I'd like to get to where I get up in the morning and work out for an hour in my room... with the DVD I have. I think that would be insanely good.

So on top of that all, I bought jeans TWO SIZES smaller than the last time. I expected to get one size smaller than my newest pair since those were falling off me. But 2 sizes is amazing! They are a LITTLE snug, but I think I can get to where they are loose and comfy in a couple of weeks.

yeehaw!

supporting the girls

2009-10-29T20:27:00.000-06:00

http://www.enell.com/index.php

Seriously girls. These bras are AMAZING. I bought one about 4 months ago when I started trying to be more serious about working out (HA!).... I get back and shoulder and arm aches really bad when I walk or anything. But this is the BEST type of bra you can get if you're amply blessed... It's a compression bra so it holds the girls IN.... no bouncing and sagging and bad stuff...

I highly suggest getting one. I don't have all those upper body aches anymore. It's perfect! It's a bit expensive, but NOT if you view it as an addition investment. I mean, you invest in good shoes, right?

So there you go.

I have a problem. . .a food problem

2009-10-23T12:20:00.002-06:00

The gist of the story is that I am addicted to food. I see it, smell it, think about it and I end up CRAVING it. Not a good thing considering Little Caesars is down the street and around the corner from my house.

I truly believe that along with anorexia and bulimia there is a less often talked about problem. I don't know if there is a medical term for it but I'm calling it food addiction. I have diagnosed myself with it. . .really. . .what doctor, nurse, nutritionist, or even trainer would know unless they followed you around 24-7 keeping tabs on EVERYTHING you put in your mouth. It's just not going to happen.

So I am taking on a new approach. . .well it is new to me. Something I VOWED never to do in my life. . .that was when I was delusional, young(er), and DUMB! I am now counting calories. I thought that was just for FREAKS. . .turns out I was the freak. It is my first day doing so. I am recording everything that goes in my mouth and figuring out the calories. I need to see how much I eat initially in order to see what my caloric intake should be.

I want to take care of this problem because I want to be around for much longer. I want to be healthier and this is another step.

21 days to a new habit

2009-10-19T22:03:00.002-06:00

That's what "they" always say.

I'm not sure I believe it.

lol.

I've been at the gym 18 days in the last 23 (so over that 21 days, right? at least according to the trainers), and RIGHT NOW, I never want to go back. It would be so easy to give in to the negative voice in my head telling me I'm horrible and other things and just give up.

I'm not in the best place right now. My kids are sick. My husband is grouchy. My extended family is stressing me out. I am having a bit of a sugar withdrawal -- I am getting better with the diet, too. I'm pretty emotional these days anyway.

Instead of dwelling on all that, though ... now I'm reminding myself a few things.
1) At the gym, I do exactly what the trainer tells me. I don't quit. I keep going, even when it burns. Not if it hurts; we modify. But burns, yes.
2) Cheating at the gym only cheats me.
3) Cheating on my diet only cheats me -- this is a new thing for me.
4) Not that I've made friends per se, but some of the folks who are there every day when I am say "hi" to me now, with a big smile, *every* time they see me. The employees called me a "regular" the other day.
5) My ward family, friends, neighbors, FB friends, and co-workers ask me how it's going and tell me they're proud of me.
6) I DID A 5K on Saturday on the elliptical. In 45 minutes. First time ever. When I told my temporary trainer this morning, he got so excited and said, "I'm so proud of you!"
7) My husband is proud of me for continuing to push myself.
8) I hurt less when I pick up my son. Most days, I have more energy and feel better. My muscles are stronger and more developed.
9) I am proud of myself!

Just writing that list put me in a much better frame of mind. So in the morning, when my husband gets home, I'm putting on my gym shoes and heading out the door. And if I feel like quitting again, I'm going to re-read my list and maybe add a few things to it.

Next time you feel like giving up, write yourself a list! See what happens. You might surprise yourself.

take that, carl's jr.

2009-10-17T11:34:00.004-06:00

ok, so NutriSystem is a bust. And I woke up this morning craving chili-cheese fries from Carl's Jr. (hey, it's my period!). I decided to check out the nutrition facts on them.

Yeah... those tasty little critters up there? 990 calories. I decided to go to Macey's, buy fries and BAKE them, add some low-fat cheese and chili (reading the labels for some without the hydrogenated/trans fat stuff... I recommend Stagg).

Craving solved. And seriously healthier by comparison... That is all. :)

A gym rat

2009-10-10T10:16:00.003-06:00

I never thought I'd say this out loud, let alone make it public.

I *like* exercise.

Whew. That feels better to get off my chest.

5 days in the gym last week, 6 days this week, going for 6 again next week. it's a beautiful thing to feel sexier and more confident, even if it's all in my head because my body hasn't changed that much.

So, GO! Exercise! Move your body! Push through the burn and keep going! Give it two weeks and you'll feel better.

NutriSystem and a Redesign

2009-10-06T12:58:00.000-06:00

So today is day 4 of NutriSystem. I had that weekend or riotous living in there. So far it's gone... ok. Yesterday's breakfast gave me gas ALL day and today I ate a dessert cookie with my lunch... it was an NS cookie, but I should have saved it. Oh... and I had some sugared hot-cocoa.

But I've given up the Monsters. And today I haven't had a Diet Dr. Pepper (I bought a Fresca instead). So that's a good thing! I do have a headache and I am sure the back/shoulder/neck pain is withdrawals, but it's my own dang fault.

And now that I'm off the 1500 mg/day of Amoxocillian... I don't feel quite so starved throughout the day. That and my body is getting more used to less food.

Or I ate WAY too much cabbage and onions with broccoli sprouts (not cooked in butter, thankyouverymuch)!

We'll see though. I gained a pound on the weekend and then lost three 24 hours later. I haven't started exercising yet (bad Steph)... and I am not sure I want to keep paying for this stuff. I could spend a Saturday cooking 20 days worth of food and shove it in our little extra freezer. But on the other hand, if it really starts to work.... might as well stick with it, right?

Still need to exercise.

In other news, I've decided that I want to completely redesign this blog. Some things may get added and others taken away, so be patient please? :) Meanwhile, I am going to start undecorating it, starting with the colors. lol

How is everyone else doing?? I know Stewie and Cupcake have updated. :)

Day #7 at the gym

2009-10-06T10:12:00.002-06:00

So yesterday, I nearly got run over right in front of Gold's by two skinny minis in SUVs. sheesh.

Today, I got to watch a gal get seriously pissed off that someone else was using the stair climbing machine! She had to use an elliptical! oh no! She was right next to two larger women, too, and right in front of me, and was seriously.put.out.

Why do thin people think bigger people shouldn't be working out? My stars ...

Oh, and there's a former NFL player for the Patriots who works out at the gym while I'm there. If that isn't intimidating, I don't know what is. He's Samoan. He recently dropped from 315 to about 220 or so, said hi to me today while working with my trainer, who is Tongan. There's some other cute Islanders who work out when I'm there too -- Tuki (the trainer) always tells them "her husband is Tongan!" when introducing me. It's funny.

Ahem.

Anyway. I am not going to post my whole thought process on this discovery of mine last night, relating to why I'm fat, but thought I'd share a few things that popped up.

I was watching "King of the Crown" last night with the kids (corrupting my son, exposing my daughter to pageantry ... don't worry, she knows fake boobs and fake everything are a bad idea in girls that young. or anyone.). It's a show about a man who helps girls win pageant crowns. So, they were following two of his clients around during a pageant, and one of the girls was a bit bigger than all the other girls at the pageant. Like a size 6 or 8 instead of a 2. She was NOT fat. And she was absolutely gorgeous. And I bet her boobs were real! Her mother, however, was a size 18 or 20, and when the girl was eliminated from the competition, her mother told her it was because she was fat and hadn't lost enough weight. The girl told her mother she'd lost enough to fit in the dress (beautiful flowing hot pink evening gown, fitted in the torso), and then the next scene you see her sobbing in her coach's arms because of how her mother treated her. Way to go, mommy dearest.

Now, my mom never called me fat per se, but my grandmother did, and I do remember mom taking me to a (male, overweight) doctor at 11 or 12 because I was getting heavier, and my mom has always had her own struggles with her weight as well. I remember feeling humiliated and ashamed -- not because of any particular words, but because two people who weren't thin were telling me I was fat! I know and understand now that my mom was just concerned about me, but I didn't handle it at all well. I half heartedly did what the doctor said, but believed nothing would ever change, and gave up before long. I have continued to treat myself poorly for two decades because of that, and a (male, overweight) therapist later telling me I was fat and should lose weight! That is NOT okay!

I decided to forgive myself and move beyond the emotional eating and lack of acceptance of myself. I'm a good person and can accomplish my goals of being healthier and looking better!

So, I hit the gym this morning, met with my trainer, warmed up for 15 minutes then did an upper body workout for 30 (and boy howdy, am I feeling it!), then did cardio for another 30. Tuki wanted me to try out the elliptical, and I told him I felt like I'd fall off, so he came with me and showed me how to get on, told me to get my heart rate to 130 (the machine has a monitor), then left me to it for 30 minutes. I tell ya, the first 4 minutes were the worst. I didn't think I could do it. I slowed down, pushed through it, and when the 30 minutes were over, I really thought, "hey, I could go longer!" But I decided to stop and get home so I could get on with my day. Good thing too because my stairs were murder! hehe.

We scheduled another appointment for next Monday and he's going to leave instructions for me for the rest of the week. Awesome. Another trainer overheard me say, "I'll be here at 8 every day. I take my daughter to school and come in no matter how little sleep I get." He said, "Awesome! That's what we like to hear!"

And y'know, the little positive reinforcements I'm getting from them and my husband and my daughter and myself and my neighbors and all my friends, including you all, are making me want to achieve more and be better!

So, I wanted to say to my girls here: I've heard that this journey is as much mental work as physical, and I'm just discovering how true that is. Maybe you don't have that exact experience in your past holding you back. But I bet there is something that happened that you don't even consciously know about that is bothering you. And I know that if you can figure it out and forgive yourself and anyone else involved, you can achieve your goals. You can do it!!!

A whole new "deserve" issue

2009-09-28T09:38:00.003-06:00

So, my husband lovingly signed us both up for Gold's gym last week. I know a lot of women would be so angry and upset and hurt about that, and he was hoping I wouldn't be. He actually called to ask if it was okay before he did it, and I was fine with that.

Until he showed up with the contract.

Apparently, having my own gym membership brought up a whole new issue for me, that really isn't new but I finally really, truly recognize. As I thought about it all weekend and headed to the gym for the first time today, I realized that on some level, some part of me feels like I deserve to be fat, unattractive, and unhappy, like I feel in my current body. And that this body doesn't deserve to even enter a gym or have a paid membership to a gym or anything to do with the pretty people I imagined spending there time there.

Many tears have been shed over this, and I feel ready to do new things. Can't wait to meet with the personal trainer on Wednesday, and I'm not ruling out a regular meeting with him, even if it's just once a month.

I went in the gym anyway. I passed all the skinny women and buff dudes and got on a treadmill anyway. I walked for 30 minutes on the treadmill anyway. I'm going to buy new walking shoes anyway. And I'm going to do this anyway, because I deserve to be and feel healthy and happy and beautiful and strong.

Wii Fit Day 4

2009-09-26T14:56:00.002-06:00

I am officially addicted. I love the interaction between the board and the game system. What makes me laugh every time I step on the board is the fact that it says "oh" in a cheery little voice. The main reason I think I'm addicted is because you can unlock different games as you go. It is essentially the challenge of doing better each time.

Favorites. . .yes I have them. By far my favorites are:
Aerobic-- Hula hoop. Man I can feel it in my abs! (the short distance run is also fun but make sure you wear tennis shoes [it doesn't require a the platform] cause running barefoot is kind of painful if you are doing it on carpeted concrete.)
Balance-- Balance bubble. I still haven't gotten the hang of it completely but it sure is fun!
Strength-- I'm not quite sure yet. . .torso/waist twist or single leg extension (practice makes perfect)
Yoga-- Warrior or deep breathing. Haven't delved very deeply into to it.

I do have to say that my most favorite feature is that you don't have to commit an hour all at once and you can switch it up like crazy.

Yesterday I exercised for 35 minutes. This was until it told me to take a break. . .it was funny but you don't have to take a break if you don't want too.

Another nice feature is that you can track your workouts and weight. One thing I don't like is that it uses BMI. . .but I'll let it ride cause I know I'm fat and I just need to move.

If you have time for 1-3 minute workouts through the day randomly spaced the Wii Fit might be for you! Or you can do it all at once. Yes, you just read a review by an author addicted to the Wii fit. If you don't believe that it is fun and you live in the area why don't you contact me and we can play! To be completely honest with you I did not believe that the $89 spent on it would be worth it.

what are we jumping on, girls??

2009-09-25T14:00:00.002-06:00

I'm so proud of Stewie and Cupcake. I admit that I want a Wii Fit! Especially when Cupcake told me the weight limit was higher than I expected. And I should join a gym! I've thought about it... But for now...

I signed up for Nutrisystem's Flex Plan last night. After watching my former boss shed 40 pounds in a few months and then seeing one of the Ad Reps being successful with it (and now making enough money to cover it), I decided to give it a try. I still need to exercise, but I'm excited to try this new system. I NEED the convenience and the healthier meals... and it's cheap when I remember that I spent about $15 just on lunch and dinner yesterday.... The price is WELL below eating out every day - and so much better for me...

Here's to making a jump!

I made a jump, too

2009-09-24T21:06:00.003-06:00

Moe went to Gold's to work out tonight and they told him his debit card had been declined and that he needed to sign a new contract with a new card if he wanted to keep working out.

It was declined because it expired in August, and he lost the new one before it even got activated. Brilliant.

Sooooooooo ... he asked me what I thought about signing up, too. Knowing Laurie and Scott's fiasco with their Utah memberships being declined in California made me hesitate for a minute, then I realized I have to do SOMETHING different. I know we have treadmills and stuff in our gym here, but they're usually in use when I try to go over there. So I just get fatter and fatter and none of my winter-ish clothes fit. boo.

Hopefully by the time winter hits, I'll be able to wear them again. I start working out at Gold's on Monday.

I made the jump

2009-09-23T21:53:00.002-06:00

I have an older model treadmill that the footpath is too narrow for me since I have big thighs. If anyone knows of someone who needs or could use one please let me know. My mom bought it and I'll have to see how much she is willing to let it go for but it is available.

I made the jump from that to a wii and a wii fit which costs less than a proper treadmill for someone my size and is very compact. . .yay! I can't wait to use it. . .in fact I'm setting it up right now! YAY!!!!

(note to self never say never. . .I said I would never own a game console. . .ha ha ha!)

30 lbs by December

2009-09-14T08:09:00.001-06:00

My sister and I made this goal while I was in California. We're both going to lose 30 lbs by December. That seems like a lot to me, but when I broke it down, it's totally reasonable.

I started out my trip to California at 298.5. This morning, I weighed in at 295.5!

It fits!

2009-08-22T13:37:00.000-06:00

My old temple dress fits! YAY!!!!!!!

The graph says it all! :)

2009-08-20T09:21:00.000-06:00

see more Funny Graphs

Eating better while eating out

2009-08-08T20:08:00.004-06:00

Todd has a hard time making good choices when we eat out. I've been trying to show him that it's not that hard. We took the boys to Chick-fil-A tonight to play in their toddler area after being cooped up in the apartment all day.

After dinner, Todd grabbed a nutritional information pamphlet and started adding up his meal.

Chargrilled Chicken Club Sandwich - 380 calories, 12g fat
Light Mayonnaise - 40 calories, 4g fat
Honey Roasted BBQ sauce - 60 calories, 5g fat
Honey Roasted Sunflower Kernels - 90 calories, 7g fat
Waffle Fries, medium - 370 calories, 21g fat
Cole Slaw, large - 580 calories, 50g fat
Cookies & Cream shake, large - 700 calories, 33g fat

Total = 2220 calories and 132g fat (37g saturated fat)

Then added up mine.

Chargrilled Chicken Sandwich - 260 calories, 3g fat
Honey Roasted BBQ sauce - 60 calories, 5g fat
Side Salad - 70 calories, 4.5g fat
Ranch Dressing (half packet = 1 serving) - 160 calories, 17g fat
Croutons (info for 1 serving, but only used half) - 60 calories, 2g fat
Diet Coke - 5 calories

Total = 615 calories and 31g fat (7g saturated fat)

True that he did share the fries and shake with Garrett, but still. That's over one full day's worth of calories in one meal. Mine was a little over one third of my daily calorie allowance. I'll probably choose a different salad dressing next time.

It can be done. You just need to choose wisely. I'll probably choose a different salad dressing next time.

I picked up the book "Eat this, Not that" at Target a few weeks ago. It's helped me a lot.

over the plateau... sort of

2009-08-05T13:19:00.002-06:00

Since moving to PG, I had dropped the nearly 20 pounds I could not shake while living at Village Way... I gained it and it stuck. Since that time, my body had continually flirted with 302 and 301... 307 on bad days... for TWO MONTHS. I would work out, try to eat better... EVERYTHING - to no avail...

On Monday morning I stepped on the scale - as I am want to do EVERY morning (thinking there will be some 50 pound miracle) - and behold the number read a beautiful 299. I finally broke it! It took a YEAR to get back to even that. How awful!

I weighted myself again Tuesday morning, just to make sure. Sure enough, it said 299 again (I know your weight fluctuates from day to day... but mine seems to not...). How did I celebrate? Did I work out again on Tuesday? Did I eat a healthy dinner after consuming lots of fruits and veggies lately?

Of course not. Because that would be the SMART thing to do. Instead, because I didn't get home from work until about 7:30 and I was starved, I ate double what I should have for dinner... pasta with tomato sauce and ground chicken... and I laid on the couch exhausted (btw, yesterday was the first day in over a week without a headache... it's back today).. and I didn't work out.

I felt like crap. Total crap.

And of course the scale didn't say 299 this morning (although it did say only 300). But I resolve to work out tonight as soon as I get home (since I am sucking at the morning) and to eat something healthier than massive amounts of carbs.

Yeah... because it was working, dangit! Slowly... but at least it was working!

I should eventually buy some bike tires too, right?

Realization

2009-07-28T16:37:00.002-06:00

This morning I came to a realization that the more I move the better I feel. At work we have been rearranging books. . .1000s and 1000s of books. . .over and over again. :) I need to continue moving. . .just keep moving! I do feel better and have more energy.

Old New Skirts and shirts

2009-07-20T22:42:00.002-06:00

I have officially lost enough that I can wear some of my old skirts and shirts. YES!!! That means I don't have to go buy or make any skirts. I love re-discovering clothes, it makes me feel good.

New Start. . .for good this time!

2009-05-15T12:42:00.002-06:00

Okay, so I confess, I haven't been doing very well on exercising and moving made it so that food was packed up. . .so not much has been happening health wise although I did manage to lose a few pounds during the move. . .hmm. . .exercise of running up and down stairs and lugging boxes around helped.

Tuesday I was on facebook (when am I not?. . .in the middle of the night.) and I ended up on my list of groups that I have joined. One of my friends had started a group about how he lost weight. A while ago he invited me to the group and I joined but didn't really look at the page cause I was dealing with other health issues at the time. I wasn't having the greatest day (yay for being a woman) and so I told myself that I could feel better if I wanted to committ to it. So I did. I sent an e-mail to Steve and he responded and was very excited about me wanting to join him on the diet. He even went far enough to say I want to know how you are doing, keep me posted! YAY!!

Any who. . .here are the guidelines

NONE of the following:
No candy
No sugary drinks*
No fast food
No ice cream
No white rice
No white bread
No bleached flour products, this include pastas and certain cereals.

* fruit juice like simply juice is acceptable but concentrates are NOT.

I have done well so far. . .When I want to eat something bad for me I remember that I would have to tell Steve. . .not something I want to do. This is going to be good for my fibromyalgia anyway. I have also discovered that I have many friends that abstain from sugar rich foods for various reasons, usually health related. If they can do it, I know I can too!

This is what else Steve had to say: "What I have been eating is a lot of salads and sandwiches with whole wheat bread, lean meats and good cheeses like provolone. If I get mayo it's light mayo and it's the same thing with butter. If you snack do it smart, like veggies and stuff."

Its working. . .I have lost 1.5 pounds! yay!

I also need to arrange my room so that I can get my treadmill in there. That is next on the agenda.

YAAAAAAAAAH ME!

2009-04-21T00:11:00.003-06:00

I went back to the gym tonight. Man! It's probably been a year since I last went. That's SAD!! I've been uber busy with work 6 days a week. I was a lil nervous since I was going by myself and wouldn't know anyone there. Thank goodness for iPods!! It was a great work out! I did 25 minutes on the Elliptical machine and worked out my legs for the next 40 minutes. I didn't want to overdo it since it was my first time back. I'm so glad I went. I'm not too sure if I'm going tomorrow since I don't want to die in my first week back. I'll probably space it out and go on Wednesday.
It was hard work tonight. I know it's going to be a lot of hard work. But it's my fault. I ate the JUNK and now it's going to take WORK to take it off. I have no one to blame but myself. Slowly but surely it'll come off.
YAAAAAAAAAH ME!!

Hot diggity dog!

2009-03-24T20:33:00.003-06:00

I am so excited! I am now at 261!!!!! I was at 270 but I stepped on the scale and bam. . . it wasn't stuck at 262 anymore!!!! I think it probably helped that I went mini golfing with my ward last night and sweated like there was no tomorrow. It felt great to move and it helped to that I got a hole in one on the first hole, which one of the golfers in the group had said good luck on getting a hole in one on this one. This was the first one of my WHOLE life. . .and I golfed a 39. . .and the standard is 53. . .any way. . .I digressed, back to the subject!

I was so happy! I haven't been perfect with my eating habits but I know that I can try again the next day. . .just get back on and go. Now I just need to move MORE pretty sure that will make all the difference.

One year.

2009-03-16T23:34:00.002-06:00

Just had to say Cupcake's last post made 200 entries on this blog.

How are we doing ladies?

I haven't been doing that great, personally. But ...

We had a pregnancy scare over the weekend. This could be total TMI, but I still haven't had a monthly since Mojo was born in July. He'll be 8 months old on Wednesday. I am still breast feeding him, which surely explains the delay, but it's longer than I went without a monthly with Kiddo, so it worried me. Then some other things happened that made me think, "Oh, crap, I'm pregnant." I went to Wally's in the middle of the night, came home and took a test, and it was negative. Both relieved and sad, just weird.

So I talked to hubby about the timing of our next baby. He said it's completely up to me. That even though the pregnancy wasn't easy on either of us, he hadn't changed his mind on how many kids he wanted or anything, and that I just have to make up my mind when I'm ready.

I decided that, unless the Spirit intervenes or we have a surprise in the interim, I'll be ready in a year. HAHAHA. Okay, hear me out.

In the last couple of months, I have tackled quitting Pepsi entirely and haven't had any caffeine (except the occasional dairy free chocolate) since. I have started walking more as the weather has warmed up. I'm doing more around the house. And I feel better overall about our financial situation, although that could be better too.

So I'm giving myself a year to get some diet and exercise habits firmly in place, be more active in church and doing more churchy things at home, get our family on a firmer financial footing (meaning, paying off debt and hopefully buying a used minivan), and just continue enjoying my kids. In a year, I should be healthier physically, mentally, financially, and spiritually ... and ready to try for another baby.

Maybe I'm crazy. But it just might work ...

Biggest Loser MTC style.

2009-03-04T12:51:00.002-07:00

Yes, you can lose weight while at the MTC! I did. I had therapy yesterday and we talked about how there are so many differing opinions of what should be done for weight loss. I kinda-sorta made the re-discovery that the concept that I applied to myself while I spent eight weeks in the MTC worked (only I hadn't realized it yesterday in therapy). I literally dropped 20 pounds while I was there. Last night as I was pondering how I could lose weight fast. . .well, safe "fast". . .I was thinking about biggest loser and how I would literally have to quit my job or something to be on it (NOT an option). I realized that I lost an amazing amount of weight (in my opinion) in eight weeks. By the time I left the MTC I was using pins to help hold my skirts up, lovely pleats in the back that weren't sewn in. :)

What I actually did:
1. I had dessert once a day. . . it seemed like they had something sweet a every meal (no wonder why so many missionaries gain weight in the MTC!).
2. Had a sensible breakfast. . .Usually a grapefruit half, a bagel (with cream cheese), milk, fruit, and maybe boiled eggs. . .if they were totally cooked. . .bad experience there.
3. Lunch and dinner I rotated between salads and the entrees that were available.
4. Played volleyball for at gym time. . .if i remember right gym was an hour long. . .

My theory:
If I exercise for an hour a day. . .split up 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the evening. . .It could be anything from yoga to hiking. . .JUST MOVE!!!. . .and skip out on the desserts. . .or have just one small yummy something with sugar, and no snacking. . .and have sensible meals paying attention to satiation. I could be a biggest loser contestant on my very own personal biggest loser show starring me! I'm pretty sure that if I move more I can drop some of the excess weight I have been carrying around.

You know what is so great about it? I started the food thing today. It sure makes you think about what you choose for your sweet treat when you look at it that way. I have been offered brownies and doughnuts today. . .the brownies were sodex-ho. . .yucky cafeteria food. . .and doughnuts from smiths. . .not things I want for my treat. If I have a treat. . .

Wish me luck!

I'm baaaaaaack!

2009-02-10T21:01:00.002-07:00

I was able to go back to the gym today after 6 weeks. I only did 30 minutes on the treadmill because my back was killing me, but at least I went.

my peacoat is loose....

2009-02-09T20:29:00.002-07:00

this is a good thing! It's been kind of tight, but I can definitely tell there's some space in there lately!

bleh.

2009-02-04T08:54:00.000-07:00

I haven't been to the gym for over a month. I can't wait 'til everyone's feeling better so I can go back. I tried to make myself do my Biggest Loser workout or Wii Fit while the boys are sick and I just don't do it.

Lazy.

What's Up Doc?

2009-01-27T21:42:00.002-07:00

I had an epiphany on Sunday night/Monday morning and have been running with it since. It is all based on a tidbit of wisdom that my doctor told me when he diagnosed me with fibromyalgia (before I was on depression meds). It was to exercise 30 minutes a day for 6 days a week. Had I done that more faithfully I probably wouldn't be in the situation I now find myself in. Shoulda Woulda Coulda! Oh well, live and learn and lose 60 pounds to get back to my post mission weight!

I signed up for a Strength Training class at the university thinking it would be great and I would increase my strength, besides the fact that I love lifting. . .at least I did before fibromyalgia. We are in the 4th week of class and I have decided that if I am going to keep exercising 6 days a week I better not lift for the time being, at least until I am in better shape and my body is use to moving more. I dropped it tonight. I just can't do it right now. Besides I HATE machines and that is what we were using. HATE HATE HATE!!! So the plan is that I am going to get a membership at a local gym and swim swim swim. It feels SO good to swim, weightlessness is really good for me. I know that weightloss will be extremly slow, but once I am use to exercise I am hoping to do more than swim. . .

I am also considering taking up yoga in the morning so that I stretch. I have found a few books and dvds on plus-size yoga. Kinda excited. I am anticipating buying a dvd.

We'll see what happens next.

breakfast, we have a winner

2009-01-26T10:28:00.003-07:00

So I try to keep meals at about 50 Carbs or less.... which you can do and STILL not eat healthy (like eating a jr. bacon cheeseburger)... so I'm trying to be more aware of my calories too.... like I almost bought an ice cream sandwich the other night that was 640 calories!! I still bought a differet one.... 240 calories... But oh my goodness!

Eating awhole Little Caesar's pizza (guilty)? - about 920 calories... a bag of crazy bread.... 800.

So that's fine if you're REALLLLLLLY careful the rest of the day - and it's still not good for you. I didn't even think much about this until watching Biggest Loser last week and one lady ate about 2100 calories in ONE SITTING.... pizza, cupcakes, donuts, tacos, everything.

Ugh.

Anyway, usually I eat a pot pie (if I'm in a hurry) or eggs for breakfast.... 2 eggs and 4 slices canedian bacon (the serving size), to be exact. And milk. On the carb side, the meat doesn't count. I don't know if the eggs do either.

Anyway, I decided I should stop stuffing my face so much in the name of saving money AND trimming my waistline. Plus, cupcake and I are running low on milk this week (I should start taking calcium again).

So this was my breakfast today: 1 egg (70 Cal), 3 slices canedian bacon (apx 30 Cal), 1 cup Steven's hot cocoa (160 Cal, 29 Carb).

Dude.. that was tasty and my breakfast was totally under 300 Calories and within the carb limit. I could add a banana or an orange (mmmm) and make it even better for about 300 Calories.

I think we have a winner. Yay me!

Also - still working out MWF.... looking at interesting cardio options for the other day - since I refuse to go out in 8 inches of snow.

Oh... and I STILL had better shove a 1/2 piece of gum in my mouth so I don't snack....

getting started [again]

2009-01-16T09:36:00.004-07:00

This year I have a plan. 100 pounds in one year. I finally REALLY decided when I could barely walk on Sunday. I had EXTREMELY sharp pains in my knees. Not good!!

I broke down and talked to the Boy about it... he's good with planning and since he's trying to get healthier too (diabetes and getting old), I thought I might as well. He's always been good about riding my butt.

So the goals have been set:

No more Monsters! Any time I buy and drink one, I owe him another $2 (I've only had to pay him once).
Weights on MWF (got this down!) - It only takes me like 15 minutes and I love it right when I get up, in my room... nothing fancy.
Walking/Aerobic Exercise on TThS (umm..... still need to do this).
In bed by 10 (This did NOT work - I changed to between 11 and 12)
Up by 6 (This did not work either! I couldn't get up as long as I was going to bed at 10... I'd wake up and be exhausted.... BUT I could go to bed between 11 and 12 and get up at 6:30 feeling alert and awake and chipper... so I adjuest for me).
Eating better - more veggies, lean protein, etc (I bought brussel sprouts to try... but I made brownies and cookies for Mike... and ate what was left... plus I'm broke. New idea to eat healthy while broke?! I think I need a garden. - pot pies and peas are ok though... and cheap...)

So there you have it.... So far I've kept up on the weight thing and I guess that's a good thing! It's a start at least. Next week I need to add the walking!

Speaking of diet changes ...

2009-01-13T20:17:00.001-07:00

I finally quit Pepsi. My headaches are mostly better and I'm feeling better. But how on earth did I cut so much sugar and manage to GAIN 4 pounds??? Bah.

Diet changes

2008-12-29T07:41:00.002-07:00

Yesterday, I was thinking about my weight loss when I first moved to Utah. I lost about 25 pounds in 8 weeks. I never quite figured out why, because I was eating the same stuff. But I wasn't eating it at the normal times.

I was working graveyard. I didn't eat breakfast when I woke up. I ate dinner. My meals were backwards. I ate lunch around the middle of my shift, but then I got home and ate breakfast before I went to bed.

I'm wondering if that's what made the difference. I was eating my biggest meal when I first woke up, and something light before I went to bed.

Maybe I should switch things up a little bit.

Hello, Hypertension!

2008-12-27T10:26:00.002-07:00

It's not official yet, but I'm pretty sure I'll be diagnosed with hypertension within the next week. I had an appointment the Friday before Christmas to get a new birth control script. When they did my vitals, my blood pressure was at 158/102. That's no good. It's been climbing since my last pregnancy, but was never high enough for my doctor to really be concerned about it.

He wanted me to get a cuff and monitor my blood pressure over the next few weeks. I wasn't going to go anywhere near Wal-Mart to get a monitor during Christmas, so I was putting it off.

I drove myself to the ER last night around midnight. I had some chest pain earlier in the day and then a headache for about 8 hours. They did an EKG and everything was fine, but my BP was 152/103. The ER doctor wants me to get in to see my primary care doc ASAP.

This is not good.

5K Training...

2008-12-16T20:36:00.002-07:00

So my family is planning some big hurrah this summer for my Parent's 40th Wedding Anniversary. It looks like it's going to work best for everyone to be here over July 4th weekend. What they are also suggesting is for everyone to be involved in the Freedom 5K or whatever that goes on that weekend.

Now, I'm a terrible runner. I enjoy running around and playing night games but I'm not very good. I just...have no point of reference for anything.

I'm wondering if there is anyone who knows of a good training program that I could start (soon) that could help me get to a point where I could safely run the 5K with my siblings. Overall, I think this would be a great way for me to lose the poundage I have that can't seem to shake all in time for summer as well as just getting me in shape. I AM using the bicycle trainer too, but that's harder to keep at without a real goal in mind.

Any suggestions?

Bye, Bye Plateau!

2008-11-20T08:01:00.001-07:00

The number on my scale went down for the first time in TWO MONTHS! For two months, I've been fluctuating anywhere between 290 and 294.

Today... 288!

:::insert happy dance, here:::

Who needs a playing card?

2008-11-02T22:01:00.002-07:00

I got it. I went and bought the bike trainer and already I'm loving the thing. I got it all set up on Saturday (after I bought it) and tried it out a bit. Makes it sound like I'm riding a dirt bike in the house, which is entertaining in a very silly way. I'll give it a full go on Monday once I get home from work. I hope to hit it every day after work for at least a 1/2 hour. Tuesday might be a little more complicated what with voting and everything, but I'm still going to try.

With an interesting prospect happening in December, I really don't want to look as pudgy as I am right now so I'm hoping that the trainer will take the edge off. We'll see.

Biking Anyone?

2008-10-27T19:05:00.003-06:00

So I really don't have the money to be spending on other stuff (I'm going on a super-duper trip), but I've found something that I believe will be a good investment for me and my health.
It's a fluid bike trainer. I think this would be great because I do like to bike but sometimes the drain of the day makes it so I'm less inclined to want to go back up the hill to my house. And this is something I could do all year long, regardless of weather. AND I use my own bike so I keep working on something I'm used to.

They aren't cheap (though not as expensive as I initially thought) topping out around $400 for a really nice one. This one here is $319 on Amazon. I probably wouldn't bother having something shipped, just so I don't have to worry about that, so I need to go to Mad Dogs or Taylor's or something and see what they have. Supposedly the fluid trainers have greater durability and less noise. I'm all for durability and less noise, particularly since I think I'd watch a lot of TV or movies or whatever while 'biking.'

I'm just not sure I should buy it right now.

Just a little vent.

2008-10-15T06:52:00.006-06:00

As Garrett's first birthday comes around, Todd and I have been talking a lot about baby #3. He really wants to have another one. I'm freaked out by the thought of having 3 kids under the age of 3. But my biggest concern is my weight. The last time I weighed this much, I was pregnant. I'm still almost 20 pounds heaver that I was when I got pregnant with the boys.

I broke down to Todd yesterday. Pretty much melted. As much as I want to complete our family and please my husband... I can't do it right now. I told him about the pressure that I was feeling from him. Being pregnant when you're overweight is HARD. Yes, I've had two c-sections, but delivery is hard, too. The epidural and spinal block hurt to begin with. Combine that with being so fat that they can't even tell where they're putting the needle and have to keep trying for thirty minutes and it's hell.

With my last pregnancy, my blood pressure kept climbing. All my labs came back negative for pre-eclampsia, but they couldn't get my blood pressure down. They ended up taking Garrett over 2 weeks early.

I can't do it again.

But then comes the spacing issue. Saying that our boys are close, is an understatement. We will probably only be able to have one more because of the c-section issue. If we wait until I lose ALL the weight I want to lose, #3 could be three years (maybe more) younger than Garrett. I know that's not a huge gap, but it seems big to me.

I'm really torn. I have no idea what to do. I totally hate myself right now.

Oh, I love me some pudding.

2008-10-09T20:14:00.002-06:00

I bought some of the new JELLO Singles sugar free pudding packs. I needed a chocolate fix tonight, so I fixed one up. Single serving, takes just a few minutes.

Totally delicious!

Seriously!

2008-10-07T12:26:00.001-06:00

I joined a gym, just in time for my kids to get colds. I haven't been to the gym since Friday because the boys are all snotty and can't go to the child care there.

Aye!

I walked today!

2008-10-07T11:55:00.003-06:00

Some gals in the ward walk every morning and I finally went out and joined them. They walk faster than I do by myself, so I only made it around the neighborhood twice, but that's better than nothing. Wahoo.

My feet/calves hurt. lol

I'm in!

2008-10-02T19:27:00.001-06:00

I joined Gold's Gym today! Right after I signed my contract, I hopped on the treadmill for 30 minutes. 2.8 mph @ 6% incline. WHEW!

So Ornery I'm Witchy

2008-09-28T21:11:00.003-06:00

My goal seems to have failed. Tonight I broke my no sugar for 1 year goal because of how depressed and ornery I have been lately. I have been at that point for about 5 days. Brownies and ice cream came to my rescue. I feel so much better even though I have a huge huge huge headache now.

New goal is sugar ONCE A WEEK to handle the craziness of seeing every one around me eating sugary goodness. I had become obsessed, until it drove me nuts. Once a week doesn't mean that I HAVE TO eat sugar but it gives me the option to help myself out of nasty grumpy moods. Some of the words my therapist said to me in the second session came to mind. You can't deny yourself the things you want. It is very true, as I have come to see.

So sad.

2008-09-22T09:14:00.007-06:00

I cried the first time I bought a pair of size 20 pants. I remember thinking that was as fat as I'd let myself get, thank you very much, and I was determined not to get any bigger. I did successfully lose weight and got into 16/18 pants at one point ... but eventually gained it back. And it brought FRIENDS.

Over the weekend, I had to buy new jeans. Nothing fit after the baby. The new jeans are size 24. *sniff* Also over the weekend, I accidentally came across my last pregnancy photo, taken the day I went to the hospital in labor ... I was blown away. I mean, I know I was huge, but I didn't realize HOW huge. And so my comparison shot today made me feel way better, even if I'm still bigger than I'd been before. So, for your entertainment ...36 weeks pregnant.

2 *months* postpartum.

And I'm down to 249 today, must change the ticker. I'm not tracking all the pregnancy weight since I got up to like 293 or 295 but 40 pounds came off really quickly as it was water weight and baby weight. I'm tracking from 255, which is where the weight stopped dropping dramatically. Whew.

the good 'ol standby...

2008-09-19T20:40:00.003-06:00

i went to the doctor last week and discovered again that i am fat. so, bececause i am SICK of salads and cannot find a dressing that i enjoy, i decided to make cabbage soup. not to go on the 'cabbage soup' diet, but to actually eat some vegatables. and i must say, that even though i made it up, it was delicious! yay me!

yay ...

2008-09-16T17:18:00.002-06:00

Walked kiddo to the bus stop yesterday. It's about half a mile? maybe.

I did work out a bit today. Walked kiddo to the bus stop and to a church activity, picked up the mail, too, then just turned on a video. I only did 10 minutes of it because I was already feeling it in my butt, and I'd like to be able to function tomorrow. lol.

That is all.

Hovering

2008-09-15T11:36:00.002-06:00

My body is hovering between 260 and 257. I hate it. I am kind of obsessed about since it is still the heaviest I have ever been. School started again and I have a rock climbing class. . .fun. . .if I had the upper body strength to get off the floor. . .well further up off the floor than 6-15 feet on an indoor wall. Good thing the class isn't graded on that or else I would FAIL.

Good news though. . .I got new bras and it helps with body image. . .and I am feeling slim(er) today. . .even though technically I shouldn't be. Yay for that time of the month. We have an awesome new roommate that bikes EVERYWHERE. Makes me kinda sorta jealous. . .in a good way. I want to start riding my bike more. . . Eventually to work and such.

After the Cleanse...

2008-09-13T14:17:00.002-06:00

Well, I'm coming off the cleanse. I lost 16 lbs. Woo! Not as much as I wanted, but I think I'm on a better path now to keeping healthy.

I got my bike tires changed so that's been nice. Buying the camelbak wasn't such a splurge. Well, yes it was. But at least I'll USE it.

I'm going to be as good as I can about the white wheat, sugar, rice and all that stuff that's not good for me. I've already stocked up on whole wheat and brown rice. Oh and vegetables. I think I actually chose a really good time of year to do the cleanse because there is just SO MUCH good food out there for me to eat. I loaded up on tomatoes and bell peppers from my parents. And cucumbers. My roommate discovered a farmer's market near the mall in Orem so she stocked up on a bunch of fruits and vegetables as well. Its so fantastic to have such wonderful, tasty, healthy food. Yay!

I don't have Wii Fit, but....

2008-09-10T21:57:00.002-06:00

I LOVE boxing on Wii Sports!! Dang... doing that 5 rounds after walking... I feel the burn!

It's on.

2008-09-08T12:53:00.002-06:00

I had a heart to heart with DH this weekend. I've been feeling frumpy, fat, ugly, you name it. I told him I didn't feel like I ever had time to work out, but I know I don't have the time to NOT work out and take care of me either. None of my clothes fit, and we're too broke for me to go on a shopping spree. He was very sweet and told me to go shopping anyway (I'm going to try and hold off on that for a month, see where the next part goes), and that he would watch the baby every day so I could work out. So this morning, I got up, worked for a while, handed him the baby after he took kiddo to school (thank you sweetheart), and worked out briefly -- I could have gone longer but decided not to make myself too sore to continue the rest of the week (which is what I usually do, lol). Showered, got dressed ... gave him a big old smooth. I feel tons better, and he seemed happier too. happy wifey = happy hubby.

Need to continue every day and work on eating a bit better ... can't "diet" per se because of the nursing thing (starving Island baby also makes a grumpy Island hubby), but there are things I can work on. Like not drinking soda. *cringe*

My new favorite things

2008-09-08T06:27:00.002-06:00

I've found a few products lately that have some great staying power in my snack and menu plans. Check 'em out!

Thomas' Hearty Grains Oatmeal & Honey bagels

stats: 270 calories per bagel, 0.5g of saturated fat, 3g of dietary fiber and 10g protein
It also has a whopping 16g of whole grain!

Fiber One Chewy Bars

stats: 140 calories, 1.5g saturated fat, 9g of fiber!!!!, 2g of protein and 8g of whole grain.

The oats and chocolate bar is my favorite. I've also tried the generic brand from Target (Markey Pantry). Those have the same stats (but half the sodium) and are 50 cents cheaper.

Click HERE to get a free Fiber One sample! I got mine last week. I got a small box of Fiber One Honey Clusters cereal and an Oats & Chocolate Fiber One Chewy Bar.