I am in therapy now, with a psychologist, because my Depression, always a problem, has gotten out of control and I am not even living at my own house right now, but with my parents to "babysit" me. I am dealing with a lot of physical pain that is making the emotional stuff worse, and visa versa. And I even got to a point where I was thinking really bad thoughts.
Idiot that I am, I was also reading a book called She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb. It is probably a great book. Maybe some of you have read it. It probably ends really happily. However, I am not allowed to finish it until I am less depressed, because basically the part I am
in is about a sexually abused girl who hates herself so much for being fat that she keeps almost killing herself and then finally makes a plan to go to the place where the whales keep killing themselves. Beaching themselves and dying. Because that is what SHE is, a suicidal "whale." NICE STORY, huh? (Ironically, though, I got to that part of the story ON December 10th... The Festival for the Souls of Dead Whales Day! HA HA! (Oh, and Steph, just FYI, I bought your Christmas Card that is in your gift long before that, so don't draw any connections to the book to it.))So, I am not allowed to finish this book. And I don't WANT to read it, because it makes me want to do bad things. But I want to read it because it is THERE and I want to read it because I like to read! It is like every book in the world seems boring EXCEPT that one. Because I can "relate." It is sick. I hate it. I am pretty sure I need to put it away in storage until I feel stable. But yeah. I know that this is an unusually heavy (HA! Heavy...) topic for this blog for me, but it... relates.
I AM going to lose weight. I am going to get healthier the next few months. But I HAVE to get happy too. So it is hard to balance. And this vent is a bit much today, I know. Sorry.
8 comments:
If you want me to keep the book for a bit, I can do that. :)
I wish I could not eat very much. lol
if i had something besides cookbooks... i'd totally send you something else to read.
and i hope that you're watching the nutri-grain commercial to make yourself happy.
I hate that. I'm like that with movies -- even if it has bad words or nudity or violence or anything, if I'm hooked to the story, I have to finish it. I'm like that with a lot of books too, although I'm making note to skip this one.
Do I need to come get it from you though?
It's alright. I gave it to my mom. She has my book... AND my pills, and gives the pills to me when I need them. It is really babyish, but it is life right now. (I am not addicted, though, in case you were worried. To books, yes, to pills, no. They just... watch them... to be sure they don't disappear all at once.)
On the bright side, I have lost weight and just reached the teens! Okay, so 219, but STILL. ;O)
BA, I had to keep Moe's pills over the summer for the same reason. Your'e not alone.
YAY for losing weight!
I WANT TO BE A TEEN!
me too! *sigh*
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