"like buttah!"

My medical insurance really doesn't have mental health benefits. So I pay out of pocket. So the fact that I go, regularly, to a psychologist, is a big deal. And I probably wouldn't go if I wasn't pretty messed up. I am just saying this to let you know that when I admit something fairly embarrassing that Dr. Apparently makes me do, well, he probably really thinks I need to do it. It's a good thing. But usually a really hard thing.

Especially when he thinks we need to talk about WEIGHT. I mean it's not like he's not going to NOTICE I am fat, or that I can somehow pretend that my very very strong dislike for my body has NOTHING to do with my Depression. Yeah. Dr. Apparently is not blind nor is he a moron. So, he KNOWS that my weight is an issue. And not just a physical one.

SO. Last weeks assignment was fat related. Actually, it was fat-LOSS related. When I was telling him about my trying to lose weight and he was checking how much I had lost I had lost 15 pounds since starting with him. And he kept saying "That is really good! That's a lot, [Kipluck!]" And I kept saying "well, yes, but you can't even TELL because I have so much more to lose." And he's say "15 pounds is a tremendous start." and I would say "yes, but it just levels off there and sometimes I gain pounds BACK. I will lose one or 2, then gain one or 2. It is so frustrating." Etc. Finally he said "STOP SAYING 'YES, BUT!' You discount all of your success. You never give yourself credit for correct things you do."

SO, what did I have to do? It was SO embarrassing. Go to the grocery store and put 15 pounds of butter in a cart and "admire" it. Imagine it being ON me. Lift it. Take a picture or 2. Look at it until I could feel good about losing ALL THAT FAT and only THEN could I put it back. Then I was supposed to tell the butter I would be back for MORE milestones, and to BEWARE!

It was pretty embarrassing. But it WAS pretty amazing to think about how much butter/fat that was. It did seem like a pretty substantial amount. Even a pound or 2 (a box of 4 sticks is a pound) is SOMETHING.

So, that was my dumb little thing to share. Because I have been in bawl baby mode lately, even though I have been working REALLY HARD I do not feel like I am seeing results. And that is hard. So I am trying to get OUT of bawl baby mode. The End.
NO MORE "YES, BUT..."