Day #7 at the gym

So yesterday, I nearly got run over right in front of Gold's by two skinny minis in SUVs. sheesh.

Today, I got to watch a gal get seriously pissed off that someone else was using the stair climbing machine! She had to use an elliptical! oh no! She was right next to two larger women, too, and right in front of me, and was seriously.put.out.

Why do thin people think bigger people shouldn't be working out? My stars ...

Oh, and there's a former NFL player for the Patriots who works out at the gym while I'm there. If that isn't intimidating, I don't know what is. He's Samoan. He recently dropped from 315 to about 220 or so, said hi to me today while working with my trainer, who is Tongan. There's some other cute Islanders who work out when I'm there too -- Tuki (the trainer) always tells them "her husband is Tongan!" when introducing me. It's funny.

Ahem.

Anyway. I am not going to post my whole thought process on this discovery of mine last night, relating to why I'm fat, but thought I'd share a few things that popped up.

I was watching "King of the Crown" last night with the kids (corrupting my son, exposing my daughter to pageantry ... don't worry, she knows fake boobs and fake everything are a bad idea in girls that young. or anyone.). It's a show about a man who helps girls win pageant crowns. So, they were following two of his clients around during a pageant, and one of the girls was a bit bigger than all the other girls at the pageant. Like a size 6 or 8 instead of a 2. She was NOT fat. And she was absolutely gorgeous. And I bet her boobs were real! Her mother, however, was a size 18 or 20, and when the girl was eliminated from the competition, her mother told her it was because she was fat and hadn't lost enough weight. The girl told her mother she'd lost enough to fit in the dress (beautiful flowing hot pink evening gown, fitted in the torso), and then the next scene you see her sobbing in her coach's arms because of how her mother treated her. Way to go, mommy dearest.

Now, my mom never called me fat per se, but my grandmother did, and I do remember mom taking me to a (male, overweight) doctor at 11 or 12 because I was getting heavier, and my mom has always had her own struggles with her weight as well. I remember feeling humiliated and ashamed -- not because of any particular words, but because two people who weren't thin were telling me I was fat! I know and understand now that my mom was just concerned about me, but I didn't handle it at all well. I half heartedly did what the doctor said, but believed nothing would ever change, and gave up before long. I have continued to treat myself poorly for two decades because of that, and a (male, overweight) therapist later telling me I was fat and should lose weight! That is NOT okay!

I decided to forgive myself and move beyond the emotional eating and lack of acceptance of myself. I'm a good person and can accomplish my goals of being healthier and looking better!

So, I hit the gym this morning, met with my trainer, warmed up for 15 minutes then did an upper body workout for 30 (and boy howdy, am I feeling it!), then did cardio for another 30. Tuki wanted me to try out the elliptical, and I told him I felt like I'd fall off, so he came with me and showed me how to get on, told me to get my heart rate to 130 (the machine has a monitor), then left me to it for 30 minutes. I tell ya, the first 4 minutes were the worst. I didn't think I could do it. I slowed down, pushed through it, and when the 30 minutes were over, I really thought, "hey, I could go longer!" But I decided to stop and get home so I could get on with my day. Good thing too because my stairs were murder! hehe.

We scheduled another appointment for next Monday and he's going to leave instructions for me for the rest of the week. Awesome. Another trainer overheard me say, "I'll be here at 8 every day. I take my daughter to school and come in no matter how little sleep I get." He said, "Awesome! That's what we like to hear!"

And y'know, the little positive reinforcements I'm getting from them and my husband and my daughter and myself and my neighbors and all my friends, including you all, are making me want to achieve more and be better!

So, I wanted to say to my girls here: I've heard that this journey is as much mental work as physical, and I'm just discovering how true that is. Maybe you don't have that exact experience in your past holding you back. But I bet there is something that happened that you don't even consciously know about that is bothering you. And I know that if you can figure it out and forgive yourself and anyone else involved, you can achieve your goals. You can do it!!!