a note on obsessions

I have two confessions.

First, a confession which should come as no surprise: I'm obsessed with food. Let me correct that. I'm obsessed with eating food. It's why I'm in the mess I'm in. And while I could blame my parents – or my mother, or my upbringing, or my genetics – for it, the honest fact is that I have got to fix it myself.

I am slowly discovering a new obsession – for good or bad – I think it's mostly for good.

I'm obsessed with tracking what I eat, when I exercise, how much I weigh and how much I am shrinking. You see, I've discovered that it's a good motivator for me. I've found that I absolutely must stay obsessed on some level or else my discipline starts to slip (like tonight when I ate one of the peanut butter bars meant for work tomorrow), I fall. I feel awful about myself. I run the risk of truly "losing it."

And so I track everything I eat. For the most part I am doing awesome, but there are days where my calories go above 1600 and beyond the 1800 cap. Some days I've worked out, so I justify it. But other days I just plain binge. It's something I have still got to keep under control. But I've found that the days I DON'T record what I eat... the weekends where I go 3 days straight without – I gain weight like crazy.

Keeping this always on my mind helps me to make good food choices. It helps make the salads and the breakfast sandwiches and the 2 hours in the gym [almost] every night more bearable. The exhaustion and the sore muscles make me happier when I see the number on the scale or the tape measure reading is another quarter-inch smaller.

I am raising awareness in myself and in others. Yes, that fast food is REALLY that bad for you. And yes, we are going to feel like crap if we eat that entire pizza, drink that 2-gallon mug of soda or sit on the couch or in front of the computer all night. And I am going to talk about it. Don't ask me to stop. Don't say "uh huh" as your eyes glaze over. Chances are you need to hear it as much as I do. We all need to try harder and dismissing my interests make it that much harder to stay interested.

I remember when I use to get annoyed when roommates or others would bring up calories or exercise or losing weight. But I know now that it is only because I knew what I needed to be doing, but I wasn't doing it. It was easier to scoff than try.

I use dailyburn.com and I rely on my coworkers and the Boy and a few others to keep me motivated. I workout with two of my coworkers and I like hearing when they say I am looking smaller... or that someone else mentioned it to them. It helps for the times when the tape measure isn't moving. The Boy lets me freak out over my weight gain or lack of loss (usually every 28 days or so) and then matter-of-factly encourages me to continue. When I freak that a pound a week isn't good enough, he reminds me that it IS healthy and the right way because it will stay off.

As long as I can avoid those peanut butter bars and stop obsessing over the pointless things. :)

Love,

Steph