A whole new "deserve" issue

So, my husband lovingly signed us both up for Gold's gym last week. I know a lot of women would be so angry and upset and hurt about that, and he was hoping I wouldn't be. He actually called to ask if it was okay before he did it, and I was fine with that.

Until he showed up with the contract.

Apparently, having my own gym membership brought up a whole new issue for me, that really isn't new but I finally really, truly recognize. As I thought about it all weekend and headed to the gym for the first time today, I realized that on some level, some part of me feels like I deserve to be fat, unattractive, and unhappy, like I feel in my current body. And that this body doesn't deserve to even enter a gym or have a paid membership to a gym or anything to do with the pretty people I imagined spending there time there.

Many tears have been shed over this, and I feel ready to do new things. Can't wait to meet with the personal trainer on Wednesday, and I'm not ruling out a regular meeting with him, even if it's just once a month.

I went in the gym anyway. I passed all the skinny women and buff dudes and got on a treadmill anyway. I walked for 30 minutes on the treadmill anyway. I'm going to buy new walking shoes anyway. And I'm going to do this anyway, because I deserve to be and feel healthy and happy and beautiful and strong.