My boyfriend was watching Supersize vs. Superskinny the other day. I'm not sure how familiar people are with that program (it was the first time I'd ever watched it) but it compares two people and their current eating/dieting issues. This particular episode was looking at one woman who was consuming way too much meat in a day and another woman who often skipped breakfast, then ate meagre portions of rice and some curry for the other meals in the day. The latter would also spend much of her spare time asleep, always tired.
The point of the show was for the two women to meet, to try swapping one another's 'diets' and then to consult with the show's specialist for help in changing their habits.
We didn't watch the whole episode because I ended up bawling. And begging my boyfriend not to let that happen to me.
Firstly, while I don't honestly think it's likely, I do freak out that I'll just keep making bad habits and get more and more overweight. Currently, I'm not fantastic but I've been at the same relative weight for the last few years. Not losing, but not gaining. However, I know that since High School, I've been continually gaining.
But really not even that was what was frightening me the most. Instead I kept thinking of how, when I was very young, I felt even worse about myself. I was remembering when I was about 7 or 8, my mom grabbing my stomach fat, pinching it between her fingers and giving it a shake. Scowling at me while I cried and demanding to know if I wanted to be fat. Didn't I know what would happen to me if I kept getting fat? I might get diabetes (at the time, I had no idea what that was; she vaguely explained I couldn't ever have sugar). I might not have friends. I might die.
Sitting on the couch, my arms tight around my boyfriend's and my face nearly buried in his chest I just started to sob, remembering how painful, emotionally and physically, that grip on my stomach was.
The anguish was short; my boyfriend has shown me so much love lately, particularly in regards to my appearance, that he only needed to say a few words to calm me down. We've talked through my fears (and his as well) and are determined to keep ourselves from living unhealthily. Now that he is back in the same town, we eat meals together. We plan them out ahead of time to make sure they are healthy. We are eating smaller portions and making smaller amounts so that when we eat our share, there are no second helpings.
Obviously there are still other habits that need changing but this is a step in the right direction.