My boyfriend was watching Supersize vs. Superskinny the other day. I'm not sure how familiar people are with that program (it was the first time I'd ever watched it) but it compares two people and their current eating/dieting issues. This particular episode was looking at one woman who was consuming way too much meat in a day and another woman who often skipped breakfast, then ate meagre portions of rice and some curry for the other meals in the day. The latter would also spend much of her spare time asleep, always tired.

The point of the show was for the two women to meet, to try swapping one another's 'diets' and then to consult with the show's specialist for help in changing their habits.

We didn't watch the whole episode because I ended up bawling. And begging my boyfriend not to let that happen to me.

Firstly, while I don't honestly think it's likely, I do freak out that I'll just keep making bad habits and get more and more overweight. Currently, I'm not fantastic but I've been at the same relative weight for the last few years. Not losing, but not gaining. However, I know that since High School, I've been continually gaining.

But really not even that was what was frightening me the most. Instead I kept thinking of how, when I was very young, I felt even worse about myself. I was remembering when I was about 7 or 8, my mom grabbing my stomach fat, pinching it between her fingers and giving it a shake. Scowling at me while I cried and demanding to know if I wanted to be fat. Didn't I know what would happen to me if I kept getting fat? I might get diabetes (at the time, I had no idea what that was; she vaguely explained I couldn't ever have sugar). I might not have friends. I might die.

Sitting on the couch, my arms tight around my boyfriend's and my face nearly buried in his chest I just started to sob, remembering how painful, emotionally and physically, that grip on my stomach was.

The anguish was short; my boyfriend has shown me so much love lately, particularly in regards to my appearance, that he only needed to say a few words to calm me down. We've talked through my fears (and his as well) and are determined to keep ourselves from living unhealthily. Now that he is back in the same town, we eat meals together. We plan them out ahead of time to make sure they are healthy. We are eating smaller portions and making smaller amounts so that when we eat our share, there are no second helpings.

Obviously there are still other habits that need changing but this is a step in the right direction.

Not doing so awesome, but some people are!

1. My diabetes counselor has me on new meds and a new diet.  It should help me lose weight, being on less insulin.  But with my diet being what it is (only broth doesn't hurt), my body is not really on a healthy path.  Basically I am starving myself, though I don't feel like it, so I am not losing even though I eat very few calories.  The thing is, SOMEHOW I have to find something I can eat that is 1. healthy 2. does not cause me a lot of pain.  My diabetes is out of control, and I haven't lost weight in over a year.  And this Gastroparesis is just killing me.  I am on a ton of supplements to make up for my crappy diet.  But it is NOT a good substitute for eating good, normal food.

2. If any of you watch The Biggest Loser, watch next week!  My cousin LeAnn and her awesome Vance are going to be "the white team."  They look so good right now!  We talked to them a little bit about it at the last family party.  CONGRATULATIONS to them!

Go White Team! (Sorry I don't watch the show, I WILL next week!)

music tuesday

I have 240 songs in my "Workout" playlist, so I'm going to share! Some are slower, most are not. Beginning with the most recently added to my list (which are mostly on the radio right now).

Here is THIS week's 25 songs (I think my fave of the week may be Misinformed):

1. Waiting for the End by Linkin Park
2. Animal by Neon Trees
3. Sell Out by Reel Big Fish
4. Uprising by Muse
5. Pumped Up Kicks by Foster the People
6. Misinformed by Soul Coughing
7. Forget You by Cee Lo Green
8. Run Run Run by Phoenix
9. Sick of You by Cake
10. Rhinestone Eyes by the Gorillaz
11. Jumpin' Jumpin' by Destiny's Child
12. When Did Your Heart Go Missing? by Rooney
13. Doin' Time by Sublime
14. Remember the Name by Fort Minor
15. If I Ever Feel Better by Phoenix
16. Firework by Katy Perry
17. Tighten Up by The Black Keys
18. Happy Everywhere by The Pinker Tones
19. Ride Like the Wind (Klass Remix) by Michael Mind
20. Bulletproof (Dave Aude Cherry Radio Remix) by La Roux
21. Things Go Better (Intrumental) by RJD2
22. Lsztomania (AlexMetric Remix) by Phenix
23. Little Miss Can't Be Wrong by the Spin Doctors
24. As We Enter by Nas & Damian "Jr. Gong" Marley
25. Billie Jean 2008 (Thriller 25th Aniversary Remix) by Michael Jackson (feat. Kanye West)

Bonus: Lay Me Down by the Dirty Heads, but that's a given.

I sure do love updating my ticker

Mostly only if the number is going down, though. :)

Check it, yo! Janessa's and my trainer is expanding into Highland! Now he'll have sessions there and in Provo! He also offers a 2 week FREE trial to come check out his services. We're all trying to get him more business so he can keep growing! John takes the time to help you figure out what is going to work best for you. He's motivating and funny and kind. He's like Bob Harper without the dark side!

Anyway, there is incentive for us to get new recruits, too! If you are in the Utah Valley/Salt Lake area, then head on over to www.doperformanceandfitness.com RIGHT NOW and register for your free 2 week trial! He has programs to fit almost any budget, I PROMISE! Let him know that Steph and Janessa sent you!

Progress

I went to my dietitian last Thursday. I have happy news! My weight is trending down. Hip Hip Hurray! It makes me so very happy. I have to say Intuitive Eating is a fabulous book, and it has truly helped me since I have always struggled with dieting and what I "should" or "shouldn't" eat. I highly recommend it. Looks like I'm on the right track with a nutritionist and a personal trainer.

I didn't gain ALL the weight back.

SHOCKER!

I was really surprised when I weighed myself yesterday morning and found that I was at 290. While Todd was gone, I had been down to 286, so 290 isn't bad!

I'm back on Spark People again. I was using Daily Burn, but they don't have an app for android yet, and if I don't track my food immediately, I forget and then fudge it later. Just being honest.

I haven't gone back to the gym yet because we're still working therapy schedules out for the little dude. I took the boys to the park this morning and will hopefully being doing more walking.

Starting Over

Welcome Nicole!

Steph and Cupcake have inspired me to start over. I started eating smaller meals and cutting back on my soda intake. I met with my new trainer tonight. I even got a new ticker down there.

Some of you may remember, last year, the husband and I decided I should get healthy before we got pregnant again. So we got a gym membership and he paid for 24 sessions of personal training for me.

Three weeks later, we found out baby girl was on the way! She's 5 months old now. A wonderful surprise, but wow, now I need to get some of those sessions used up! They expire on Feb. 1, 2011. Crazy!

My prepregnancy weight was about 252, so at 255 today, I'm not too far off. However, I am at least a size bigger, all in my belly. I've lost so much muscle it's not even funny. And I found out my body has 115 pounds of FAT on it. Awesome.

So here is to working out and getting healthy, and making better choices all around!