No Ill Effects!

This is my only contribution. Yeah. Yesterday I spent 45 minutes (while I was sick, getting sicker, and having a panic attack in a Jacuzzi) listening while a guy told me all about why I should get Gastric Bypass. Trust me. I have thought about it. But I will be honest, 1. I think that with my health I could die during surgery 2. you have to lose 10 pounds as a show of "good faith" that you will be careful before ever starting...

IF I COULD LOSE THE 10 POUNDS WHY DO YOU THINK I WOULD BE CONSIDERING THIS DRASTIC OF AN OPTION?!

If I could lose the 10, why not go on to 20? Then 30? Then 40?

Anyway, feeling a bit discouraged as the Diabetic Dietitian's diet is leaving me tired and sick all the time right now but nothing to show for it besides slightly better A1C. They all promise "oh, if you stick to it, you WILL lose." Not as yet.

Tape Worms anyone? No diets! No... Baths? Huh?

You, Too, May look like a MODEL!!!

Sweet 16: Plus-size model Chloe Marshall reaches Miss England final

By Katie Franklin and agencies

Last Updated: 1:55am GMT 22/03/2008

A 16-year-old girl has defied the super-thin modelling status quo by becoming the first size 16 model to be selected as a finalist for the Miss England competition.

	Chloe Marshall: "It's possible to be beautiful and not a standard sized zero"

Chloe Marshall, from Guildford, beat seven other slimmer girls to the title of Miss Surrey and will now compete in the national finals.

Chloe, a beauty therapy student, said she decided to become a model to give a confidence boost to other "curvy" girls.

"It's really exciting, I'm really, really happy. I'm lost for words, I started to cry and everything. I'm over the moon," she said.

"I wanted to go through to the Miss England finals to break through the stereotype that you have to be tall and skinny.

"I wanted to make a bit of a statement. When I studied the other entrants for the Miss Surrey competition I concluded that pretty as the contestants were, they were equally all uniformly blonde and Barbie doll like.

"I want to show girls out there that it is possible to be beautiful and not a standard sized zero.

"My mum is really happy and proud of me that I am doing something not just for myself but other people as well and my friends are really supportive, they can't stop going on about it."

Miss Marshall, who is 5ft 10in tall and has a 38DD bustline, has been signed by Models Plus model agency.

Stevie Walters, of Models Plus, said Chloe had a "luscious" figure and a bright future ahead of her.

"Chloe is gorgeous-looking and we are sure she will be snapped up by fashion companies who want to project a realistic and achievable image to their customers," she said.

Chloe's success comes as the debate about the use of size zero models in the fashion industry continues.

The debate was sparked last year when a Uruguayan model, Luisel Ramos, 22, died of heart failure after starving herself.

In November, a 21-year-old Brazilian model, Ana Carolina Reston, died from anorexia.

The deaths prompted organisers of Madrid Fashion Week to ban underweight models, while Milan followed suit with a code of conduct to stop anorexic-looking models being used in shows.

The British Fashion Council, however, refused to ban size zero women from taking part in London Fashion Week.

Doctors and women's groups have expressed concern that the use of underweight models encourages anorexia in the industry and sends a dangerous signal to girls.

SOURCE HERE

Granted, I actually would like to get down to size 16 but this is STILL a good example of being bigger (but not huge) but still beautiful and healthy. Healthy matters much more than size. Just, you know, keeping it in Perspective.

Because today I broke down at the pool and bawled in the dressing room. I just happened to catch a glimpse of myself, sideways in a mirror, in a gray shirt and jeans, and I saw, quite LITERALLY, an ELEPHANT.

Like, I looked over and thought, "I'm an ugly ugly ELEPHANT." and started to cry and sob loudly. Even though I had JUST worked out for an hour and was feeling pretty good before. It just HIT me... or, you know, charged at me with mean tusks. I don't know what happened, but it was so clear, I wished I was dead. I hate depression so much.

"like buttah!"

My medical insurance really doesn't have mental health benefits. So I pay out of pocket. So the fact that I go, regularly, to a psychologist, is a big deal. And I probably wouldn't go if I wasn't pretty messed up. I am just saying this to let you know that when I admit something fairly embarrassing that Dr. Apparently makes me do, well, he probably really thinks I need to do it. It's a good thing. But usually a really hard thing.

Especially when he thinks we need to talk about WEIGHT. I mean it's not like he's not going to NOTICE I am fat, or that I can somehow pretend that my very very strong dislike for my body has NOTHING to do with my Depression. Yeah. Dr. Apparently is not blind nor is he a moron. So, he KNOWS that my weight is an issue. And not just a physical one.

SO. Last weeks assignment was fat related. Actually, it was fat-LOSS related. When I was telling him about my trying to lose weight and he was checking how much I had lost I had lost 15 pounds since starting with him. And he kept saying "That is really good! That's a lot, [Kipluck!]" And I kept saying "well, yes, but you can't even TELL because I have so much more to lose." And he's say "15 pounds is a tremendous start." and I would say "yes, but it just levels off there and sometimes I gain pounds BACK. I will lose one or 2, then gain one or 2. It is so frustrating." Etc. Finally he said "STOP SAYING 'YES, BUT!' You discount all of your success. You never give yourself credit for correct things you do."

SO, what did I have to do? It was SO embarrassing. Go to the grocery store and put 15 pounds of butter in a cart and "admire" it. Imagine it being ON me. Lift it. Take a picture or 2. Look at it until I could feel good about losing ALL THAT FAT and only THEN could I put it back. Then I was supposed to tell the butter I would be back for MORE milestones, and to BEWARE!

It was pretty embarrassing. But it WAS pretty amazing to think about how much butter/fat that was. It did seem like a pretty substantial amount. Even a pound or 2 (a box of 4 sticks is a pound) is SOMETHING.

So, that was my dumb little thing to share. Because I have been in bawl baby mode lately, even though I have been working REALLY HARD I do not feel like I am seeing results. And that is hard. So I am trying to get OUT of bawl baby mode. The End.
NO MORE "YES, BUT..."

ditto, steph.

because seriously.

And just in case you did not know if you have a bad cold, make sure you breath deep, get up and walk a lot because if you DON'T (even if it's because your ankle is jacked up and you can't do ANYTHING on your own) it will settle into your chest.

Just another reason to be active. Besides getting fatter and fatter till you want to cry all the time.

I am not doing so good. Dr. Apparently told my mom he had hoped I would "progress faster" or something like that. I don't know what he said. But it was basically that I am still sucky. Yeah.

I've Come Undone

Even as fat I am, I really am not a big eater. I very often eat slowly and can't finish my meal. However, I AM a big reader, and it is very hard for me not to finish a book, even when I know reading it is like poison to me.

I am in therapy now, with a psychologist, because my Depression, always a problem, has gotten out of control and I am not even living at my own house right now, but with my parents to "babysit" me. I am dealing with a lot of physical pain that is making the emotional stuff worse, and visa versa. And I even got to a point where I was thinking really bad thoughts.
Idiot that I am, I was also reading a book called She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb. It is probably a great book. Maybe some of you have read it. It probably ends really happily. However, I am not allowed to finish it until I am less depressed, because basically the part I am in is about a sexually abused girl who hates herself so much for being fat that she keeps almost killing herself and then finally makes a plan to go to the place where the whales keep killing themselves. Beaching themselves and dying. Because that is what SHE is, a suicidal "whale." NICE STORY, huh? (Ironically, though, I got to that part of the story ON December 10th... The Festival for the Souls of Dead Whales Day! HA HA! (Oh, and Steph, just FYI, I bought your Christmas Card that is in your gift long before that, so don't draw any connections to the book to it.))

So, I am not allowed to finish this book. And I don't WANT to read it, because it makes me want to do bad things. But I want to read it because it is THERE and I want to read it because I like to read! It is like every book in the world seems boring EXCEPT that one. Because I can "relate." It is sick. I hate it. I am pretty sure I need to put it away in storage until I feel stable. But yeah. I know that this is an unusually heavy (HA! Heavy...) topic for this blog for me, but it... relates.

I AM going to lose weight. I am going to get healthier the next few months. But I HAVE to get happy too. So it is hard to balance. And this vent is a bit much today, I know. Sorry.

Bleh.

I have lost a LITTLE weight being sick.

You would THINK I would have lost more, though, I feel crappy when I eat so I rarely do, and you know, that whole colonoscopy thing makes you clean RIIIIIGHT out.

I guess it just proves that anorexia and bulimia... even FORCED... don't even WORK.

But after I get better. After I get to go HOME, especially, I AM going to recommit. I am going to go to weight loss classes at the place I go to water aerobics and physical therapy. Do that whole "lose a hundred pounds" thing, even though it came at me wrong, it is still TRUE. *cries*

I am so tired of feeling so sick. I am tired of hurting. And yes, I am tired of being obese, but it's not like I can DO anything about it when I can hardly get out of bed anymore.

It's been a bad month.

Just keep Swimming Just keep Swimming...

I have been doing something GOOD for a change! I have been sticking to my doctor prescribed sleep schedule, in as much as I can control that. The falling asleep I can't do... but I have been waking up at 8 am which, for me, is very early. AND I have been doing water aerobics BEFORE work!

So, I also bought a new swimsuit as mine is falling apart. Ordered it at Lane Giant because before the 29th it's 40% off! It was still frustrating to use the SIZE chart, yes, even at a plus size store, it made me want to cry. So it was not all a positive experience. BUT my current suit will NOT last the everyday abuse it will TAKE to get to a happier size. So I bought another big suit. SIGH.

It's hard to feel happy about accomplishments when the steps to GET there are so MANY. Bleh.

But still...
water aerobics!
waking up!
Trying hard to be positive even when I feel like crying!

Friends Help Me Feel Better (real ones... not the show)

Every Silver Lining has a Big Fat Ugly Cloud. Such is the case with the steroid injections used in my nerve blocker. I LOVE not having the constant headache from hell, but the 2 main side effects? 1. Weight gain 2. Significant rise in blood glucose levels. So that part has been making me feel pretty crappy lately. And with depression and stuff... yeah. Bleh. Also, I think some of it has just been the sort of letdown AFTER the fun stuff of the weekend. HOWEVER, I am not saying things are going to be perfect tomorrow (but as FlyLady is saying this year "Progress, NOT Perfection") but after simultaneous pep talkage from CC (via IM) AND Fresno (via phone), well, I am feeling better. THEREFORE, my new resolve includes the following...

I will work out at the pool tomorrow (Thursday) unless I have an interview that conflicts but nothing else is important enough to conflict.
I will work out at the pool Friday.
I will walk on Saturday.
I will take my meds and get a doctor's appointment with my general practitioner, Dr. HasaPsychoWife to get meds adjusted and changed and such.
Also, this may sound insane, but I have decided to try a zeolite. Yes, I think I know what I am doing. I am getting it from my friend Granola, and I have heard good things from her, her mom, and my aunt.

And mostly, tomorrow I plan on eating smart, taking my pills (I didn't today), and exercising. THE BASICS. Yeah.